Daredevil

What dat stink?  Cheese?  Crap?  Oh, right.  Me just watched Daredevil, so it be both.

Movie begin wit young Matt Murdock whose father be a bum.  We get cloying, painfully obvious shots of him cleaning up dad’s beer bottles. When he visit dad at work at de dockyards, he told father doesn’t work dere.  He about to leave when he just happen to coinsidentally (!) walk by alley where pops be ruffing up some guy.  Oooooh.  His father DOES work dere!  Just not doing legitimate work. Young Matt so upset dat he turn and leave, dropping his straight A report card in a puddle. Camera linger on dis shot.  Hoo boy.  Subtle dis movie aint.  Me surprised it not include voice-over narration telling any troglodytes in de audience what, exaktly, be going on.

Oh.  Monster stand corrected.  Dere IS voice-over narration for troglodytes.  But not until later.

Cue Hoobaskank

Anyhoo, young Matt leaving dockyard get blinded by chemikals.  BUT he also granted special powers: superhearing, agility.  He show off dese skills in fight sekwence to Hoobaskank song.  No.  Really.

If monster may, me want to take a moment to comment on choice of musik for dis movie.  It suck. Tanks.  Back to review.

Father very sad and make it up to his son by not trowing fight – and getting murdered by gangster he double-crossed.  Way to go, dad.  His killer leave calling card on his corpse: single red rose.  Why?  So movie can offer contrived revenge ending of course!

Fast-forward.  Matt an adult now.  We see him wake up in special sealed chamber dat protekt his super sensitive hearing.  Den we see him put on Nickelback and listen to it FULL BLAST!  Take DAT super-sensitive hearing.  And good taste.

And Ben Affleck’s girlfriend as Elektra.

Movie unfurl its tapestry of cliches.  Matt offer his gravelly-voice voice-over (for some reason, his voice NOT gravelly otherwise).  We introduced to snickering, one-dimensional bad guys who kill innocent people just becuz, oooh, dey so bad.  We treated to rent-a-monkey dialogue: “What do you want?”  ”Justice!”  ”Time to give the devil his due.”  Audience also treated to irritating romantik sub-plot as blind Matt Murdock hit on sexy girl, Elektra, in coffee shop.  He follow her to park where dey take part in stoopidest sparring sekwence in movie history. Den, dey end up on a rooftop kissing in de rain while sappy musik plays.  Monster not seen chemistry like dis since Gigli.

Most annoying fight sekewence ever.

Bad guy Kingpin hire bad guy Bullseye to kill Elektra’s dad.  She tink Daredevil responsible and go after him.  She stab him, pull off his mask and realize…he really Matt.  And, suddenly, she all sad.  Uh, two minutes ago, you believed dis guy killed your dad, no?  Bullseye appear, do a little stabby-stabby, and trow Elektra off roof.

Oh, you’ll watch Colin Farrell. And you’ll like him. LIKE HIM!!!

Daredevil hunts down Bullseye and trow him out window. “Bullseye!”he say when he land on car.  Damn, how much dey pay dose monkey writers?

Daredevil hunt down Kingpin but, instead of killing him (becuz, oh yeah, he somehow responsible for killing his daddy), he stop himself. Why?  Becuz, he say, “I’m not de bad guy.”  Huh?  You just trew Bullseye out a window.  And earlier in movie, you trew gangster onto subway tracks.   NOW you not a bad guy??? Daredevil inform Kingpin: “Justice is served.”  Boy, dat’s gold.  Write, monkey, write!

He leave a single red rose at scene of everyone he kill. To make it easier for police to connect him to murders eventually.

Movie end wit reporter Ben Urich writing an article about Daredevil dat reveal his true identity, den deleting it.  What kind of idiot write out an entire article only to delete it de second dey finish?  Oh, yeah.  Monster forget.  De kind of writer dat be a charakter in very contrived movie.

Speshul mention should be made of performances. Michael Clarke Duncan and Colin Farrell overact so badly dey cross into parody territory.  By de way, little known fakt about Colin Farrell – he be acting equivalent of broccoli.  You may not like him but Hollywood will keep shoving him down your throat so F U.  Worst performance go to Ben Affleck who, easily, de most annoying ting about a movie full of annoyances.  Truly, Ben Affleck be embodiment of de Hollywood Dream.  Every kid watching at home can look at Ben Affleck and say: “If dat guy can be considered a serious aktor, den dere’s hope for anyone!”.

Me have seen lots of bad movies for dis movie club but Daredevil be one dat aktually make monster angry.  Why?  Becuz it be a giant turd for only one of two possible reasons.  Either: a) producers too stoopid to realize dey be making a garbage film or b) producers realize and don’t care becuz dey figure WE’RE too stoopid and will watch anyting.

Dis movie be de worst possible example of what Hollywood TINK a superhero movie should be wit a lazy skript, embarrassing direktion, and performances dat range from inept to laughably over de top.

Verdikt: If dis movie was a guy, monster would kick him in de grapes. Repeatedly.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

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