MAN OF STEEL

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Watching dis movie be like taking in spectakular fireworks show. In sepia. While your girlfriend breaks up wit you over de phone. For two and a half hours.

Movie open on alien world Kripton where scientist Kal-El inform ruling council planet be doomed because of environment (Al Gore-El was right!). Meeting interrupted by rebellious General Zod and co. who stage coup. He offer Kal-El to trow in wit him, but Kal-El refuse. Den have to eskape and get chased back to his home (Couldn’t he have just said “Okay, me wit you?” and den snuck back nice an easy? No?) where he launch his son away in a space ship wit someting called “De Codex”!

Zod and co. be captured and punished by getting encased in giant vibrators before being fired into De Phantom Zone. And den Kripton explodes.

Nooo!  Not de vibrator rockets!

Nooo! Not de vibrator rockets!

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On Earth, years later, Kal-El’s son grow up to become Clark, handsome shirtless guy who save co-workers from oil rig fire before washing up on shore somewhere and steal somebody’s clothes (THIEVERY! SUPERMAN BE A THIEF!).

His shirt got burned off in de fire. His beard and pants be just fine tho!

His shirt got burned off in de fire. His beard and pants be just fine tho!

Flashback to young Clark who get picked on all de time, saves skool bus full of kids, and be super-hypersensitive to EVERYTING – like dat time monster ate 6 boxes of Oreos and suddenly able to hear people’s hair grow. And bee farts.

Flashforward to Clark working at diner. Customer give him a hard time. So he destroy guy’s truck (MALICIOUS DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY! SUPERMAN BE A VANDAL!).

Military discover strange objekt buried in 20 000 year old ice in Arctic. Dey be VERY sekretive and maintain AAA security, only letting ONE snoopy reporter (Lois Lane) onto site and one guy who presumably wander on wit no background check (Clark), and den allowing BOTH to get on buried objekt…which aktually be a ship! Clark awaken it, save Lois from floaty cobra robot, den drop her off before flying ship away to somewhere inept military unable to track it (say, other side of de mountain). Hologram of Kal-El fill Clark in on his backstory after which Clark puts on super suit, flies around, and crashes. Dis be de ONE fun beat in otherwise bleak movie.
Flashback to young Clark fleeing tornado wit his family. Dad goes back to save dog in car and injures ankle. Cars and tankers get blown around by wind but, for some reason, dad rooted to spot like he built into ground. Clark wants to save him but Dad waves him away. Naaah, don’t bother. So he die. And Clark left feeling guilty for not helping. Tanks, Dad.

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Flashforward to news reports. Space ship heading for Earth! Creepy cool message from General Zod demand Earth turn over Clark. Clark turn himself into military – who turn him over to Zod. And Zod demand Lois as well. Why? Beats monster.

Clark taken up on ship where become weak and experimented on. Lois locked up but, luckily, she have Kal-El hologram device dat Clark slip her (Guess he had hunch to bring it along and give it to her – just in case!). Hologram Kal-El save her. Ish. She get in pod and plummet to Earth. Clark regain super strength for reasons monster not exaktly clear on, den save falling Lois IN DE NICK OF TIME!

Turns out Zod plan to terraform Earth and repopulate it wit Kriptonians kept in “De Codex” much like plot of dat episode of Stargate, Scorched Earth. After all, if dey keep Earth as is and not terraform, dey would ALL be a bunch of supermen – and who wants dat?

Clark fly to town and take on Zod’s soldiers, getting into fistfight at IHop just like us regular folks!

While Zod initiate terraforming machine and start killing thousands of citizens, Superman on other side of planet destroying another tingie (Yo, super dude. Priorities!). Military manage to destroy terraform machine on their own (Tanks for nothing!) and Lois plummet from back of plane. Clark sweep in and save her IN DE NICK OF TIME!

Hurray!  Superman to de reskue…uh, too late. Never mind.

Hurray! Superman to de reskue…uh, too late. Never mind.

Showdown wit Zod! Mayhem! Destruktion! Thousands more killed! (Yo, super dude. Couldn’t you take dis somewhere else? Space? De desert? Out over de ocean?)

Finally, he defeat Zod by cleverly…breaking his neck. Wait! What?! Superman kill Zod?! (KILLING! SUPERMAN BE A MURDERER!). Okay, okay. Mebbe dis be new version of Superman. He killed Zod and clearly anguished about it. Rest of movie will explore heavy burden of murder on his conscience.

Or not.

Clark gets job as reporter working wit Lois. (OBSESSED! SUPERMAN BE A STALKER!)

De End.

Overall, everyting make story sense (more or less) and performances pretty good, but dis be filmic equivalent of having to attend an uncle’s funeral at Six Flags. Wit unbelievable romantic B story tacked on.

VERDIKT: Dis not your father’s Superman. Or your grandfather’s superman. Hell, when it come right down to it, dis not Superman at all. It be a movie about some other guy with super powers.

RATING: 6 chocolate chipped cookies.

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