KICK-ASS 2

Watching dis movie be like getting together wit former girlfriend after several years. You tink it be a great idea but, when show up for date, you diskover she really let herself go,… Continue reading →

Iron Man 3

Dis would have been a great movie if it had been half an hour shorter. And made a lick of sense.  Monster can imagine script notes session went someting like dis: Producer: Dis… Continue reading →

Black Scorpion

Boy, dere be nothing worse den doing someting really embarrassing like slipping on a banana peel and falling down a flight of stairs or making a really shitty movie.  Fortunately, dere be convenient… Continue reading →

The Crow

Full disklosure: Monster not a fan of mimes.  It be a phobia me have (like heights, tight places, and Celine Dion) dat go all de way back to monster’s childhood.  Me often try… Continue reading →

The Guyver

Movie begin wit an opening scroll, just like Star Wars.  Unlike Star Wars, however, opening scroll accompanied by voice-over because Guyver fans either illiterate or too damn lazy to read.  As far as… Continue reading →

The Toxic Avenger

Dis movie about as subtle as Grover at a stripper convention.  It take a potentially funny premise, den beat it into de ground wit de most obvious and heavy-handed execution possible.  It as… Continue reading →

Dr. Strange (1978)

Dr. Strange?  More like Dr. Creep!  Apparently, dis guy not familiar wit de Hypocritical Oath, but he all sorts of familiar wit “doctor-patient confidentiality”…if you know what me mean.  No?  Well, let monster… Continue reading →

The Dark Knight Rises

Dis movie remind monster of Snuffleupagus after last year’s Oktoberfest: a big, bloated, confused mess dat hang around way too long after party end. Movie picks up 8 years after last one.  Harvey… Continue reading →

Abar: The First Black Superman

Monster am drunk reviewing dis movie.  Why not?  After all, me felt positively sloshed watching it.  It full of weird cuts, funky music, bizarre performances, interminable montage sekwences of people driving around, and… Continue reading →

The Amazing Spiderman

Hey, you know what movie NOT needed a remake?  Spiderman.  De original had fun, humor, a great origin story, and a colorful, nuanced villain in Norman Osbore/Green Goblin.  Dis new, improved (?) version… Continue reading →