The Dark Knight Rises

DK posterDis movie remind monster of Snuffleupagus after last year’s Oktoberfest: a big, bloated, confused mess dat hang around way too long after party end.

Movie picks up 8 years after last one.  Harvey Dent be dead and Gotham be organized crime free.  Batman be gone and Bruce Wayne now a bitter whiner who walk around wit a cane.  His company, Wayne Enterprises, be in de toilet and, to top tings off, he find a woman in a sexy maid outfit at his place – but she just turn out to be dere to steal his mother’s pearls and his fingerprints.

Anne Hathaway's best performance since Your Highness.
Anne Hathaway’s best performance since Your Highness.

Cat burglar, aka Cat Woman, aka Selina Kyle, played by Anne Hathaway (Queen Amygdala, Black Swan, Los Miserables – so diverse!), deliver fingerprints to assistant to Bruce’s business rival.  He try to double cross her but she turn de tables because she get him to use cellphone of congressman she kidnapped and dat instantly tip off battalion of cops who close in on place and get into shootout (No, no time to explain! We have a plot to catch up to!) dat end wit Commissioner Gordon captured in sewers by probably de worst villain in a Batman movie since de Penguin.  He a big hulking brute named Bane whose face be covered by a mask yet express himself wit all de flair of an embittered stage aktor reduced to doing cartoon voiceover work. Listening him like sitting thru Shakespearean version of Santo Contra el Cerebro del Mal.

Famed Mexican wrestler Santo.
Famed Mexican wrestler Santo.
And de villainous Bane!
And de villainous Bane!

Gordon injured and get flushed down de sewers where he get found by young cop whose experience being an orphan allow him to deduce Bruce Wayne really Batman (!).

Bane and co. attack Gotham Stock Cxchange and use Bruce Wayne’s stolen fingerprints to execute a transaction dat bankrupt him.  Meanwhile, Alfred de butler, sick of Bruce’s moping, inform him dat dead ex-girlfriend Rachel Dawes chose Harvey Dent over him.  So, really, she not really getting all dat upset over.

Worried dat business rival will try to take control of Wayne Enterprises and get his hands on de fusion reaktor Bruce has been keeping in storage along wit his old Phish CD’s, Bruce put board member Miranda Tate in charge.  Den, he don Batman outfit and go to meet Bane.  Unfortunately, Batman be out of shape after 8 years of sitting around eating donuts and get his back broken.  Like most stoopid villains, rather than kill his opponent, Bane decide to keep him alive – in dis case shipping him off to a foreign prison.

Wit Batman out of de way becuz he killed him threw him in prison, Bane enact his nefarious plan to blow up Gotham using Wayne Enterprises’s fusion reaktor.  He take de city hostage.  Mobs rise up!  Wealthy citizens are put on trial and given choice of being executed or exiled – which see dem attempt to cross frozen bay. Unsuccessfully.  Later Gordon and his men are captured and given choice between execution or exile.  Dey choose “Execution!”.  So judge declare: “Execution…by exile!”.  And dey forced to walk across de frozen bay (exile) or get shot (execution). And dey start walking across de bay – even though dey already choose execution so why de heck dey walking across de bay instead of taking de bullet?  Stick to your convikitions!

Bruce’s broken back get better!  He eskape from prison and return to Gotham.  Wit help of Gordon, young detective, and seksy Catwoman, he take on Bane and – surprise villain – Miranda Tate (aka Talia al Ghul)!.  Catwoman blast Bane.  Talia killed in road accident.  And Batman fly reaktor into middle of ocean where it explode harmlessly, far from everyone except de odd yacht and freighter.  Enjoy your radiated corn shipment, Bangladesh!

Funeral held for Bruce Wayne.  Wayne manor becomes orphanage.  We diskover young detective’s name be Robin.  Alfred de Butler sip tea in Paris where he spot…Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle!  De End?  Monster sure hope so!

Verdikt: Bat trilogy definitely not save de best for last.

Rating: 5 chocolate chippee cookies.