The Guyver

Guyver - posterMovie begin wit an opening scroll, just like Star Wars.  Unlike Star Wars, however, opening scroll accompanied by voice-over because Guyver fans either illiterate or too damn lazy to read.  As far as info dumps go, dis be as big a dump as a movie can take.  We learn dat dere be creatures living among us called Zoanoids.  And dey led by a Zoalord.  And dey work thru a company called Chronos Corporation. And Chronos Corporation working on a mysterious someting called De Unit.  And a scientist working on De Unit steal it.  And he be on de run from Chronos Corporation and its various Zoanoid subsidiaries.  Phew. Okay.  We up to date.  Now we can start aktual movie!

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Quit smoking wit de cigarette-helmet!

We open on scientist on de run.  Idiots chasing him spot him from top of bridge and yell “There he is!”, alerting him. Dis give him time to hide De Unit.  When bad guys show up, he mutate into…hokey Halloween costume.  Bad guy responds by mutating into…another hokey Halloween costume.  Two “fearsome” creatures face off.  But fangs and claws just for show.  Instead of biting and clawing like most self-respecting monsters, it’s Marquis of Queensbury rules as de creatures exchange punches and occasional kicks to each other’s rubber gonads.  Bad guys win but De Unit nowhere to be found.

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Trick or treat!  Oh, trick?  How about de fakt you paid to see dis movie?

CIA agent Luke Skywalker pay visit to scientist’s daughter, a woman who run a judo skool.  He tell her he was about to meet her father when he witnessed him being murdered.  Oh, sure, me suppose he could have hurried over to help or maybe even yelled at de bad guys while dey be killing her dad, but dere be no point in crying over spilt milk.  Or dad blood.  Luke all full of qwestions for her but she not have any answers.  Hell, she barely able to string two sentences together.

Unbeknownst to her, she being stalked by creepy judo student, Sean – but dats okay because Sean be our hero.  One night, he be wandering thru a dark alley, minding his own business, when he get surrounded by what passed for a scary street gang in 1991.  Dey beat him up but Sean end up fusing wit De Unit which he, coincidentally, found and helped himself to while watching a police forensic team search for it.   Sean transform into De Guyver and proceed to beat up and kill gang members while dispensing what passed for wry witticisms in 1991.  In keeping wit crap aktion movie tradition, scene culminate in someone ending up head first in a trash can.

Meanwhile, Agent Skywalker try to console grieving daughter.  He talk about her dad.  She cry.  He console her – and try to move in for a kiss.  Seriously.  Dude.  Her dad just died!  Fortunately, dey be interrupted by friend who drop by.  Agent Skywalker tell dem he will go out and pick up someting to eat – because, presumably, he never heard of delivery – and leave.  While he gone, scientist’s daughter get kidnapped by bad guys.

BUT before bad guys can get away, Sean arrive on de scene.  He reskue scientist’s daughter and dey run away.  Bad guys turn into rubber monsters and run after dem, seguing into agonizingly long chase sekwence.  At one point, Zoanoid end up on movie set and get instruktion from direktor who believe he be aktor in shitty monster costume.  Ha ha!  Joke on direktor.  He aktually a REAL ZOANOID dat just LOOK like aktor in shitty monster costume!

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De only ting phonier den dat rubber monster suit be her akting.

Cornered in a warehouse, Sean transform into…De Guyver!  More slapping, punching and kicking.  But Guyver get beaten and unplugged.  He end up deflating faster den Grover’s blow up doll at a Jamaican Sandals resort.

But all not lost!  In a twist you never see coming – because it not make any sense at all – Sean come back to life after scientist’s daughter recover Unit’s control crystal.  How she do dis?  Oh, after being brought back to bad guy’s lab and shown de control crystal, she pick up some handy piece of equipment and send gutless scientists running for cover “Look out!  She might hit us wit dat stapler!”), allowing her time to just help herself.

Sean and De Guyver are back!  And better den ever….uh…back about as good as before.  More punching, kicking, and slapping.  Agent Skywalker mutate into giant cockroach and, in one of movie’s most heartfelt moments, die. his little cockroach head going limp in Guyver’s arms. Dis make Guyver VERY mad and, after defeating various Zoanoids, be beat up and blow up Zoalord.  De end.

But wait!  All bad guys not dead yet.  J.J. from de old Good Times t.v. show and some other guy survived.  Guy tells J.J. he needs him to do someting for him.  And J.J. reply: “Dynomite!”, really nailing what passed for a very funny in-joke…in 1991.

Verdikt: Lots to hate here and it impossible to cover everyting.  Me need second review to cover atrocious music and transitions alone!

Rating: 2 rubber chocolate chippee cookies.

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