The Fifth Element

5 posterIf watching Abar: The First Black Superman like being on two week vodka bender, den watching The Fifth Element definitely involve some heavy drugs.  You need dem in order to fully appreciate dis film – preferably acid which monster suspekt be obvious preference of filmmakers.

Dis movie a wildly mixed bag of nuts.  On de one hand, it have everyting a science fiction fan could want: aliens, bad aliens, worse aliens, a colorful villain, huge stakes involving threat to Earth – de galaxy! – de UNIVERSE!, cool futuristic weapons, action!  On de other hand, it have plenty of stuff any self-respekting science fiction fan NOT want: nonsensical plot and developments, lame insta-love romance, humor dat skirt de line between silly funny and stoopid-stoopid, and a future where everyone dress like Parisian runway accident victims.

Bad aliens!
Worse alien!

Movie begin in Egypt in 1914 where archeologist diskover legend of ancient evil dat rise up every 300 years only to be vanquished by light weapon created by four elements conducted through fifth element which aktually be a human in a sarcophagus.  Make sense so far? Good, good.  Dat mean you already high.

Aliens arrive and open up sekret chamber in pyramid holding four elements and sarcophagus and take dem away for safekeeping.  After all, dey not want to leave dese precious artifakts lying around Earth…like dey have been doing for hundreds of years!   After accident involving faulty automatic doors, human priest end up wit key to sekret chamber…

Smirky McSmirkerson.

Three hundred years later, Earth encounter evil black entity dat threaten to destroy de entire Universe!  Fortunately, de good aliens we saw earlier fly back to deliver artifakts capable of destroying it. Unfortunately, good aliens get attacked by evil muppet aliens.  Ship destroyed but Earth able to recover enough genetic material to recreate fully functional Fifth Element human conduit – along wit sexy band-aid dress.

Sexy conduit, a.k.a. Leelu, promptly eskape and catch ride wit washed up space cab driver played by Bruce Willis who always seem like an aktor who be doing you a favor by akting in de movie you happen to be watching.  Whether he be smirking, mugging, or looking direktly at camera, de subtext of his performance always de same: “Look at me. I’m Bruce Willis!  I aktually get paid for dis!  Can you believe it?!”  Me? Not really.

In a happy coincidence, Bruce Willis happen to be ex-military guy and get ordered to go to undercover as space-holiday winner to space cruise ship where other four elements hidden.  Bruce be joined by Leelu and priest (different priest becuz dat wouldn’t make sense and we got more den enough stuff not making sense in dis movie) wit key to sekret chamber.  But he pursued by…

Zorb?  Zord?  Zorg?

Colorful villain wit bad hair and worse accent (played by Gary Oldman) who will stop at nothing to stop dem from getting the four elements. Why?  Becuz he aktually working for…de evil entity.  Yep, he be working for an evil black space cloud bent on annihilating existence. What exaktly be de upside for villain?  What he get out of it?  Oh, he just crazy?  Er, okay.  And how he, a lowly human, communicate wit his god-like amorphous cosmic boss?  By phone?  Er, why, yes.  Evil space cloud just ring him up.  Oh, okay.  Dat make…about as much sense as rest of movie me guess.

It all culminate in ridikulous climax involving double-crossed and crossing alien shapeshifters, a blue opera-singing alien wit a very slow-akting digestive track, fighting, shooting, explosions, and de most annoying charakter in movie history played by Chris Tucker doing a much less masculine RuPaul imiation.

In de end, Bruce Willis save de day and get de girl while audience treated to clumsy “Horrible humanity saved by de power of love” lesson.  Yeah, we suck.  But we so damn cute!

Verdikt: Alternately fascinating and hugely embarrassing.  It like a clown car wreck.  Very hard to look away.

Rating: 5.5 chocolate chippee cookies.