Kick-Ass

KA posterDis film be filled wit violence, torture, and a little girl charakter more potty-mouthed den Grover dat time he developed “chemikal burns” on his blueberries after jacuzzi party wit Madonna.  It be a terruble, TERRUBLE movie for kids.

But a super, FANTASTIK movie for monster.  Me loved it!

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Say hello to my little friends.

Kick Ass ask de qwestion: What if?  What if a regular kid wit no super powers or fancy gadjets, armed only wit de human spirit and courage of his own conviktions, decided to be a superhero?  What would happen?

Well, he would get the crap beat out of him and nearly killed of course. Which be exaktly what happen to our hero, a lovable high school loser after he buy himself a mail-order costume and take on persona of…Kick-Ass!  On de one hand, he almost die.  On de other hand, he rushed to hospital and get bunch of metal plates inserted into his broken body so dat, in his words, he “look like freakin’ Wovlerine!”. Yep, metal plates be terruble for getting thru airport security, but pretty great for taking punches to de head.  Just avoid standing too close to microwave ovens.

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She could handle herself on de mean streets of Sesame

Kick-Ass hit de streets and test out his harder-to-hurt new body.  He still get de crap kicked out of him – but dis time, witnesses take cell phone videos of beatdown.  He become biggest internet sensation since square-dancing monkey.  Emboldened, he go have a talk wit ex-boyfriend of girl he like from skool.  Turn out he a drug dealer wit a short fuse for people who threaten and taze him.  Touchy!  He and his buddies about to kill Kick-Ass when – another superhero crash de party.  But, unlike Kick-Ass, dis superhero not playing pretend.  She de real deal.  And she be only eleven years old!  What an inspiration!

She demonstrate some pretty sweet moves, dispatching baddies in gruesome fashion to updated version of de Banana Splitz theme song.

Now monster not usually like kids in movies – but Hit Girl be an exception.  She like a cross between sword-wielding Kill Bill gal, dat Home Alone kid, and Paul Bettany after a few drinks.

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Batman dialed to 11

Hit Girl, of course, accompanied by her dad (Duh!  She only eleven!) a superhero called Big Daddy who remind monster of a brain-damaged Batman.  Turn out he former cop who be framed by mobster and kicked off de force.  His wife die, leaving him to raise his daughter de best way he know how – by shooting her and teaching her how to kill bad guys.  And you thought your dad was tuff!

It turn out dis same mobster now very pissed because drug dealer worked for him.  He tink Kick-Ass responsible and enlist help of his own so to trap him.  His son go undercover as superhero –

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Red Mist

Son (aka Red Mist) befriend Kick-Ass and use him to set up Big Daddy and Hit Girl.  Hit Girl shot and fall out window.  Big Daddy and Kick-Ass captured and tortured live on de internet.  But live events have way of going horribly wrong for Swedish quiz show hostesses, overenthusiastic sports reporters, and bad guys when Hit Girl show up and take dem out.

Sadly, too late for Big Daddy.  Which be bad news for mobster because dere’s nothing worse den an angry kid.  Who happens to be a costumed vigilante.

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Paybacks a bitch.  In a purple wig.

Hit Girl and Kick-Ass team up and go after mobster.  Blood!  Bullets! Blades! Bazooka!  And, in de end, we all learn valuable lesson about power, responsibility, and de correkt use of a jet pack shoulder-mounted machine guns.

Verdikt: Wild over-de-top fun!

Rating: 9.5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies!

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