X-Men Origins: Wolverine

W posterNoooooooooooooooo!  BIRDSEYE VIEW of monster on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky in anguish while me scream: Nooooooooooooooooo!  DAT pretty much sum up monster’s review of dis movie.  Me know, me know.  Why would monster use such a hackneyed and cliched camera shot to sum up X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  Well, read on…

Noooooooooooo!

Noooooooooooo!

Story begin in mid-19th century where sickly kid named James sprout bone claws and kill gardener (who turn out to be his dad) for killing his dad (who turn out not to be his dad and also not a gardener).  CUT TO CHEESY BIRDS-EYE VIEW of kid on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky, crying out.  Him and his brother run for it…

x

Blood(y) Brothers

And keep running for it.  In film’s most inspired sekwence, we treated to de two immortal brothers as dey fight, side by side, in WWI, den WWII, den Vietnam, den other clashes.  It made painfully/clumsily obvious dat one brother good, de other bad.  Dey shot by firing squad (immortal too!) – but seem a-okay when military guy, Major William Stryker, pay dem a visit and offer dem a deal.

Brothers (let’s call dem Wolverine and Sabretooth) end up joining team of mutants for special op.  Among de team, fans of Marvel Comics may not rekognize Wade “super ninja” Wilson, aka Deadpool, who turn out to be a pale version of his comic book self…and, eventually, nothing at all like him.  Op leads dem to jungles of South America in search of mystery metal.  Dat where our hero, Wolverine, part ways wit de team – and his angry brother.

Six years later, angry brother kills his old teammate, a carnival hobbit. Why?  Dis never really explained.

Wolverine build new life for himself in de woods wit weird girlfriend who, in one of movie’s most ridikulous scenes, try to seduce him by telling him Native American legend of de Wolverine.  DIS be seksy?  Next day, Stryker show up at his work place and tell him someone killing off de old team members.  Based on de fakt dat one be dead.  Quite de pattern, huh?

Suddenly, Wolverine sense someting.  He find…decapitated wolverine.  ?   And diskover his girlfriend, dead.  Ish.  CUT TO: BIRD’S EYE VIEW of our hero, on his knees, head trown back, screaming.

Nooooooo

Noooooooo!

Boy, dat’s good film making.  Good 1990′s film making.

Wolverine track down his brother Sabretooth, to a…well, it supposed to be a bar but it look more like a garage wit some tables and chairs.  Nice work, locations department!  Brothers fight.  Wolverine get beat up.

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Always test de temperature of de water before getting in de bath!

Wolverine want revenge!  Stryker offer to make him indestruktible (despite fakt dat he already be pretty damn indestruktible).  He get injekted wit super metal, adamantium, dat coat his skeleton – and, somehow, his claws.  Stryker want to wipe his memory so Wolverine go beast mode and eskape.

Elderly couple diskover him in barn.  And, like most people who come across naked strangers on deir property, dey trust him completely and take him in.

And end up getting killed for it, thus confirming what monster’s grandmother, Grandma Monster, always said: “Nice guys finish dead”.

Stryker blows up barn but movie surprises us wit yet another cheesilicious shot – dis one of our hero racing away while someting explode behind him!

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Noooooooooooooo!

Damn.  De only ting missing from dis film be requisite shot of our hero walking slowly away as someting else explodes behind him like –

x

Noooooooooooo!

Yeah.  Like dat!

Wolverine try to track down Stryker.  For some reason, he have to box former obese teammate for information.  He track down another mutant, Gambit, who less Remy LeBeau from de comic books and more a steampunk stage magician.

Finally, Wolverine track Stryker down to sekret lab where he be holding a bunch of innocent mutants and….SURPRIZE!- his girlfriend who not really dead AND a mutant!  Shocking, no?  Meh.  Marginally interesting?  Meh.

While Wolverine frees prisoners, he and his brother team up against…Deadpool!

No!  Not Deadpool!  Some stoopid movie version of Deadpool who have sword claws and a bunch of other mutant powers.  What de Fudgee-o?

Just becuz dey call him Deadpool don't make him Deadpool

Just becuz dey call him Deadpool don’t make him Deadpool

Wolverine decapitate him.  Meanwhile, his girlfriend have chance to kill Stryker but she not do it becuz…Yep, you guessed it!…dat would make her no better den him.  Movie also does a great job ham-fisting other cliche beats: brothers’ love/hate relationship, “Me didn’t sign up for dis!” speech, “You’re not an animal – Oh, yes you are!” moment, and “You don’t have to do this” appeal.  Monster not sure, but me even remember a “I’m getting too old for dis” chestnut.

Young Professor X show up as mutant prisoners eskape and offer to help dem.  Really?  AFTER dey eskape?!  Nice timing, baldy!

VERDIKT: Nooooooooooooooo!  Wolverine and Sabretooth brothers? Silver Sable and White Queen Sisters?  And Deadpool…some other charakter entirely?  A movie dat tinks it be A LOT more clever den it aktually be.

RATING: 4.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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