Who watches de Watchmen?  Well, Monster for one.  All 3+ hours of direktor’s cut.  It longer den a superbowl halftime show and inklude raspy-voice narration dat, at first, gimme flashback to craptakular Spirit – BUT, ultimately, monster like dis movie.  A lot.  It be smart, engaging, and thought-provoking.  For instance, scene where Nite Owl and Silk Spectre save people from apartment fire make monster wonder “Hey, did me forget to turn de stove off before me left apartment?”.  It also a visually spekatular movie full of beautifully composed shots and sekwences.  Dis Zack Snyder guy know what he doing.  If me ever find monster after my own heart (to love, not to devour so dat rule out chupacabra girl who always eyeing me outside Mr. Hooper’s shop), me want to hire Zack to shoot de wedding video. And, if necessary, dat chupacabra girl.  But only if he firearm trained.

De Comedian say: "Ha ha.  Joke on you, mofo!"

De Comedian say: “Ha ha. Joke on you, mofo!”

Movie open wit de death of de Comedian, a superhero who, despite his name, not very hilarious.  If Oscar de Grouch and Lindsay Lohan had love child, he would be de result.  Anyway, he get thrown out apartment and plunge to his death by VERY strong mystery attacker (hmmmm) – which segue into brilliant opening credit sekwence dat reveal backstory of dis Alternate Universe Earth where superheroes exist but outlawed by Richard Nixon who got voted into office six times (!), all accompanied to tune of Times Dey Are A Changing by Matt’s father, Bob.

Roarshack: Oooh!  Ooh!  Mr. Kottah!  Mr. Kottah!  Oooh!  Ooh!

Roarshack: Oooh! Ooh! Mr. Kottah! Mr. Kottah! Oooh! Ooh!

We introduced to a guy who dress up like a incognito ink blot.  His name be Roarshack.  He keep a written journal and movie interspersed wit his gravely-voiced entries.  But, luckily, only de interesting ones (ie. September 12: Baloney for dinner again.  Forgot to pick up milk.  Next time, remember: Milk.  Dozen eggs.  Pop tarts.)  He investigate death of Comedian and pay visit to an old friend, Dan (aka Nite Owl II) who hang out wit an even older friend, Hollis (aka Nite Owl I), and warn him about possible superhero-killer.  Also pay a visit to super rich businessman and former hero Ozzy to warn him.  Finally, he drop in on blue, occasionally pants-less energy guy Dr. Manhattan, and his girlfriend, Silk Spektre to warn dem.  But dat de least of deir problems. Doc Manhattan can see de future.  Possible nuclear armaggedon on de horizon!

Dr. M.  Why so blue?

Dr. M. Why so blue?

Comedian buried while we flashback to origins of dese heroes.  Ozzy tried and failed to unite heroes into policing force like Team America World Police.  Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre having relationship issues becuz she needy and he emotionless douchebag.  So she end up hooking up with Dan Nite Owl while Doc help Ozzy build nuclear energy plants for poor people.  Awwww.

During live interview, Dr. Manhattan ambushed by reporter.  Reveal his best friend died of cancer, and his ex-girlfriend now suffering from de disease.  Did he cause it?  He be radioactive?!  Why he always shirtless?  Doc M get annoyed and leave Earth for more laid back surroundings of Mars.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Russia mobolizes its forces.  World on brink of nuclear armaggedon!

Nite Owl

Nite Owl.  De Dark Squire.

Roarshack continues his investigation.  Suspekts someone is targeting superheroes.  Ozzy avoids assassination attempt.  Roarshack set up while following a lead and sent to prison where he kick convikt ass and demonstrate improper use of hot kitchen grease (Check it out if you always wondering what to do wit dat leftover oil).  He finally get sprung by Nite Owl and Silk Spectre who don their own costumes and KICK ASS!  While dis going on, Hollis, de original Nite Owl, get attacked by street gang and killed.  It be one of movie’s best sekwences, wit Hollis punching gang members who transform into de various supervillains he fought in his past.  Great!

Silk Spectre.

Silk Spectre.  Close, but her boyfriend gets the award for “least dressed superhero”.

Silk Spectre travel to Mars with Doc Manhattan and plead wit him to save Earth, setting up another brilliant sekwence in which Doc M. diskusses de concept of time.  Meanwhile, Roarshack and Nite Owl follow leads and diskover individual behind death of Comedian, attack of Ozzy, setting up Roarshack, and giving cancer to Dr. Manhattan’s friends be…Ozzy!  In de words of Lou Diamond Philips: “Holy Shnikeys!”.

Nite Owl and Roarhack travel to Ozzy’s Antarctic base where he beat de crap out of dem and den reveal his master plan: to detonate nuclear facilities around de world.  Roarshack and Nite Owl vow to stop him – at which point Ozzy point out he not your stereotypical villain who reveal his plan so dat heroes can stop him.  Dey already too late.

Major cities have been destroyed including New York!  Energy signature connected to Dr. Manhattan!

Ozzy.  Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Ozzy. Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre also show up – but too late to do anyting.  World now united (Hurray!) against greater enemy: Dr. Manhattan (B00!). Earth has pulled back from brink of nuclear armaggedon (Hurray!) = just like Ozzy planned (Boo!).  He sacrifice millions to save billions!  Everyone realize dey better off not revealing de truth.  Except for Roarshack, so he get blown up for his troubles.

Verdikt: Long but great movie, smart and visual spektacular.  But at times, Snyder a little too true to de original comic book and, as a result, Roarshack end up being de only charakter wit any true depth.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.