The Dark Knight
Tree tings monster hate most in dis world: injustice, poverty, and movies dat run more den two hours. Unless film be based on musty Russian novel, it have no business being so long. Seriously! Your movie be about a guy running around town in a cape punching people. It not exaktly Anna Carnita or Dr. Chicago.
Still Dark Knight be pretty good movie. In many ways, it be better den first movie in series. In other ways, it be worse. Specifically, in small, stoopid, “dis makes no sense” ways.
De last clown you want showing up to your kid’s birtday party
Movie begin wit bank heist. Robbers wit clown masks break in, den start killing each other off becuz dey were told to. Of course, anyone wit half a brain would realize “Hey, someone tell me to kill off my bank robbing buddy, MEBBE someone telling my bank robbing buddy to kill me too!”. Only one guy come to dis conklusion – but only eventually AFTER de heist. And he get creamed by school bus.
Last surviving bank robber remove clown mask to reveal…clown face! Let’s call him…Mr. Giggleshiv! No. Bozomofo! No. De Joker! He climb into bus and den, presumably because he called ahead to get bus schedule, he merge into line of school buses driving by. He merge into traffik BY DRIVING OUT OF A DESTROYED BANK! You would tink someone might notice? Find it odd? Moving on…
Legend of de Batman keeping bad guys running scared. But Batman not de only good guy in Gotham. District Attorney Harvey Dent also getting quite de rep as criminal ass-kicker. Heads of different crime faktions get together to complain about him. Meeting get crashed by Joker who do cool magik trick, den offer to kill Batman for half deir money. And he not take no for an answer.
Batman travel to Hong Kong where he kidnap some accountant as part of useless storyline dat go absolutely nowhere and add nothing to main story.
Meanwhile, Joker start causing trouble in Gotham. He poison Commissioner Leob wit acid. He blow up judge. And what Batman movie would be complete witout ubiquitous scene of bad guy crashing fancy soiree? Joker show up at big shingding for Harvey Dent. Batman also show up but Joker get away by pulling de ole “trow de girl out de window” gag.
But Joker strike again. He make attempt on Harvey Dent in broad daylight. Batman’s buddy, Jim Gordon, get shot and killed. No, we not see body but police break news to poor, grieving wife so he obviously dead. Right?
Assistant to assistant of de assistant DA, Rachel Dawes, have quiet moment wit Bruce where he tell her he going to reveal his sekret identity. Dey kiss. Wait? What?! Who dis woman? How she know his identity? Monster not recognize her at all! No. Wait. It be different aktress playing part of Bruce’s love interest/perpetual damsel in dis dress from first movie. Oh, me get it now. She better den last aktress at akting, but worse den her at staying alive.
At press conference, Harvey Dent admit…HE Batman. And arrested. Hunh? If Bruce in on dis ruse, why he tell Rachel HE going to admit to being Batman? If he not in on ruse, why he not speak up?
Joker end up attacking convoy transporting “Batman”, just like Harvey planned. Batman crash de party and Jim Gordon show up in nick of time and capture Joker. Wait! What? Jim Gordon alive?! But police told his wife he be dead! Cue scene where Jim tell his wife he sorry but he couldn’t tell her de truth. Why not? Mebbe she a blabbermouth who can’t be trusted?
Harvey and Rachel missing. Batman interrogate Joker. He tell Batman where to find dem, but he can only save one. Only one! Why? Why not call someone who be in de area and save both?
Gordon race to scene where Rachel being held – but too late. She get blown up. Batman save Harvey – who end up wit an ouchy on his face…
To top tings off, Joker eskape from interrogation room by…well, we not sure how. Presumably, he overpower Detective Bullock? We just have to take his word for it. He blow up police station by triggering phone bomb in his thug’s stomach. Whew. Good ting police metal detektor broken dat day!
Joker threaten to blow up hospital! Dressed up as nurse, he pay visit to Harvey and talk some nonsense into him. He offer to let Harvey kill him. Crazy Harvey, flip a coin – and let him live.
City in chaos! No one can leave becuz Joker hint he may have rigged bridges and tunnels wit explosives!
Harvey start taking revenge on dose responsible for death of Rachel (except guy directly responsible, de Joker). He surprise mobster in back of his car, flip his coin to see if he shoot him or not. Mobster luck out. Coin say no. So Harvey shoot driver instead, causing car to crash. Huh? Why driver not deserve coin flip? He just a guy doing his job!
Only way out of Gotham is by ferry. Knowing dis, police
make a point of checking it for explosives send dem on deir way. And, guess what? Dey diskover explosives on board! Dey also find box containing detonator. Dis result in most stoopidest clumsy line in movie when guy ask: “Why would they give us the detonator to our own bomb?”. OUR OWN bomb?. Why would he say dis? Becuz dere be ANOTHER ferry out dere wit ANOTHER bomb! Aktually, no. Dere be no reason for him to say dis. It sound like a line de studio added “for clarity” and it just end up making even less sense.
Passengers on both ferries told dey have detonator to other ferry’s bomb. If dey trigger other bomb, dey save demselves. If dey don’t choose, dey all die!
Batman track down Joker to high-rise. Exciting showdown ensue. Batman capture Joker and foil his attempt to blow up ferries. Passengers on both ferries do de right ting and don’t blow each other up. We have all learned valuable lesson today about de human spirit and de power of love to conquer –
But wait! It not over! Harvey Dent kidnap Jim Gordon’s family! He going to get his revenge on Gordon becuz…er…becuz…Jim Gordon…uh…becuz Harvey be crazy.
But Batman arrive in nick of time! He save Gordon and co., killing (?) Harvey/Two-Face. He and Gordon decide to publikly lie and accuse de innocent Batman of Harvey’s murder so dat, uh, Harvey can remain symbol for truth and justice. By lying and accusing an innocent man. Truth and justice. Okie dokie.
Verdikt: Overall a pretty good movie if you squint at de little stoopidities.
Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.