As rule of thumb, you know you in for crappy viewing experience when SUPERHERO movie you watching kick off wit MUSIKAL NUMBER. Let just say dat, after sitting thru rest of dis film, monster wasn’t any Less Miserables. Whew! Dis movie be messier den Snuffalufagus eating Cantonese chow mein. It meander and hopscotch from one coincidence or contrivance to de next as it desperately search for a plot dat never materialize.
Peter Parker and Mary-Jane Watson in love! Peter decide he going to ask her to marry him – but he too cheap to buy a ring so he con Aunt May into giving him her old engagement ring. Yep, tings looking pretty sweet for our tightwad hero until –
Just hanging around.
He get attacked by his old friend Harry Osborne who want revenge on Spiderman for killing his father! Dey fight. Harry seriously injured and – develop CONVENIENT amnesia, putting de brakes on dis partikular storyline. We’ll get back to Harry later. Meanwhile –
Like father like son.
Convikt Flint Marko escape from police by hopping a fence and ending up – oops – smackdab in middle of a science experiment on demolecularization. Evidently, dese scientists are “book smart” not “security and safety” smart. Flint Marko demolecularized and turned into…Sandman! He visit his sick kid, vowing to make enough money to help her. Uh, hold dat thought. We get back to him later. Meanwhile –
Mr. Sandman, lend me your comb, da-da-da-dum…
A meteor just happen to COINCIDENTALLY land near Peter and MJ out on a date. A creepy black alien tingie hitch a ride on Peter’s bike and hang around his apartment. But we’ll get back to dat later. Meanwhile –
City honor Spiderman wit outdoor fest. Spidey swing in and kiss Gwen Stacey, seksy blond who, COINCIDENTALLY, Spiderman saved and COINCIDENTALLY also be Peter Parker’s lab partner. She also, COINCIDENTALLY, happen to be dating Eddie Brock who happens to be rival freelance photographer at de Daily Bugle. Dat enuf coincidences for you? No? Good. Plenty more where dose came from.
Peter take MJ out for dinner where he plan to propose to her wit second-hand ring, but plans fall thru becuz MJ mad at Peter for
being a complete douchebag kissing Gwen Stacey. Peter upset – and even more upset when police reveal dat Flint Marko de real killer of his Uncle Ben!
Huh?! Apparently, producers feel not quite enough going on in dis movie so dey have to create forced “Oh, by de way, let’s retread dat whole revenge for Uncle Ben ting dat worked so well in de first movie” sub-sub-sub plot.
Putting capper on Peter’s bad day, he infekted by black alien creepy-crawly symbiote dat cause him to act crankier, dance around, and sport silly hairstyle.
Harry’s memories come back to him – CONVENIENTLY after movie has had chance to set up its half-dozen other half-ass storylines – and he blackmail MJ into breaking up wit Peter. Monster not really sure how it be possible to threaten her since her boyfriend…BE FRIGGING SPIDERMAN!!!! Peter, under influence of symbiote’s dance fever infektion, show up at bar where MJ works and dance up a storm, securing prize for Most Bewilderingly Stupid Scene in Spiderman Film History.
Eddie Brock, meanwhile, upset at being fired from De Daily Bugle and blaming Peter Parker, goes to some empty church in middle of night. But not just any empty church and not just any night. He just happen to be at de exact same church at de exact same time dat, COINCIDENTALLY!!!!, Spiderman choose to divest himself of alien symbiote. Symbiote drop off Peter and onto Eddie Brock who be transformed into…Venom!
Venom and Sandman kidnap MJ, den team up against Spiderman. But Spiderman helped by most unlikely ally…Harry “New Green Goblin” Osborne (in one of the movie’s few inspired moments)!
[Addendum: Monster almost forget reason for Harry’s turnaround. In one of movie’s most implausible moments – and dat’s saying someting! – Harry’s butler – who we’ve never seen before – tells him dat COINCIDENTALLY he was dere on de night his father was killed – untrue if first movie is to be believed – and saw everyting. Spiderman not responsible for death of Norman Osborne after all. Dis 11th hour “Oh, by the way!” moment go beyond CONVENIENT into INSULTINGLY STOOPID territory. Hoo boy.]
Venom/Brock obliterated wit pumpkin bomb while Sandman say he sorry and drift away, leaving his “sick kid” storyline unfinished. A mortally wounded Harry forgive Peter and die.
Movie conclude wit Harry’s solemn funeral. And more singing and dancing!
Verdikt: It be a movie about Peter Parker’s love for Mary-Jane. No! It be a movie about Harry Osborne getting revenge for his dad. No! It be about de Sandman misguided attempts to help his daughter. No! It be about Peter/Spiderman getting revenge for Uncle Ben! No! It be about de dark side in all of us. No! It be about an evil alien symbiote wit de power to corrupt. No! It be about all of dese tings! And none of dese tings! On bright side, Sandman effekts pretty cool and monster like Spiderman/Green Goblin team up dat end movie.
Rating: 5 chocolate chippee cookies.