Zoom

Zoom - poster

Dis be less a movie and more an interminable collektion of lame musical montage sekwences punctuated by occasional attempts at a plot, charakter development and, worst of all, humor.

It say a lot about dis catastrophe dat de most interesting part of Zoom be opening five minute info-dump voice-over dat explain how two brothers, Zoom and Concussion, were part of superhero team (Zenith) until government experiment wit extra radiation (Gamma 13) turn Concussion evil and cause Zoom to lose his powers.  Concussion eliminate other team members but he blasted and seemingly killed. Until…

Turdy years later, scientists be tracking “a pan dimensional anomaly moving toward our space-time continuum” (accompanied by computer graphic dat seem to indikate de other dimension be lokated somwhere outside Long Beach).  Huh?  Not “huh” as if “Wow!  Dis too complikated for monster to understand!” but “Huh, dis make absolutely no sense!”. It as if someone couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass techno-babble.  In hindsight, dis not so surprising since it turn out same people couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass rest of movie.

Decision made to hire washed-up former Zoom to train new team Zenith.  We introduced to each potential new member in – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

At Area 51, Zoom and scientists hold American Idol-like auditions for new team Zenith – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Making de cut are kids wit real super powers – invisibility, telekinesis, super strength – and some chubby kid who can inflate himself.  New Team Zenith trains – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Zoom takes kids out on a joyride in a flying saucer.  Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Kids trap scientist in eco-chamber and press weather buttons.  Ho ho ho.  Scientist get rained on.  Snowed on.  He get struck by lightning. Struck by avalanche.  Sprayed by a skunk.  Actors unconvincingly convey hilarity.

Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Invisible boy and telekinesis girl develop romance.  Dey have all de seksual chemistry of John Madden and Pat Sumerall.

Zoom, meanwhile, reflekts back on de old days – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Finally, it’s time!  Concussion arrives “in our space-time continuum”. And, boy, he pissed.  Zoom try to talk some sense into his brother. But no go.  Army try to capture his brother.  But no go.  So Team Zenith launch into action.  Concussion not so tough.  He get beat on by a bunch of kids!  How possible for him to ever be considered such a threat?

Zoom get his powers back and trap Concussion in a vortex dat, uh, draw de evil radiation out of his brother’s body.

CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Verdikt: As much as makers would want it to be, Sky High II dis aint.

Rating: 1/2 chocolate chippee cookie and one coupon for half-price laxative.

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