Movie begin wit guy walking down a dark alley where he encounter shaky creep hiding under dirty blanket. To most sane people, dis be invitation to skedaddle. But not dis guy. He stand and watch as – in movie’s most horrifying sequence – creep trow off blanket and KNOCK COFFEE CUP OUT OF GUY’S HAND. HE GET COFEE EVERYWHERE!!!
Oh, and he a snake man.
CUT TO: SWAT team, Ghost Squad, showing up at scene of some heist. Team members given orders: “You, you and you – go dis way. You, you, and you go dat way.” You, you, and you? You tink dat, maybe, dese guys might be on a first name basis?
Inside building, armed thugs everywhere. Dey led by Snake Man who stroll around all nonchalant, wearing a towel draped over his head like he just finished a spa treatment. He joined by guy whose coffee he spilled in alley. Turns out it he be Snake Man’s brother. Me tink.
“Shteve, Jamie’s in trouble!”
SWAT team, led by Lee Majors, move in. Dey sneak up on bad guy guards and strangle and break deir necks. Why bother incapacitating when murdering dem so much easier? CUT TO: dead security guards everywhere. On de floor. In a chair. Coming up de eskalator. Wait. What? Either security guy killed twenty seconds earlier or dis be world’s LONGEST eskalator ride!
SWAT team Ghost Squad get into shootout. Kill bad guys, den manage to sneak up behind other bad guys who, apparently, suffering from inner ear infektions and not hear all dat gunfire. BUT – Snake Man not so easy to sneak up on. AND, like most Snake Men, he know kung fu. He beat up our hero, Daniel, and eskape to a waiting van.
Uh…way to secure de perimeter,
SWAT Ghost Squad. Snake Man blow up building – or facsimile thereof. Dem be some bad visual effekts!
FLASHBACK to years earlier where scientist be working on synthetik skin graft. Like most brilliant scientists, he test it on himself first – burning his arm over bunsen burner and slapping on de synthetik skin graft. Unfortunately, it a no go. Oh well, back to de drawing board – and, presumably, de hospital to get treated for turd degree burns.
It turn out our hero, Daniel, be a friend of scientist and he have bad news. Politicians in Washington pulling de plug on his research. He out of money. And becuz he not able to complete his work, his sister – who, coinsidentally was in recent car accident and horribly burned – dies. Well, dat de implikation but it unlikely new coat of skin would have helped much. Still, scientist so mad he break into lab at night and, after caressing and sweet-talking his lab equipment, accidentally start a fire – and get badly burned. He enter weird chamber and become…Snake Man!
FLASHFORWARD to Present Day (spoiler alert: sadly, no aktual presents. ). Daniel diskovered alive. In rubble of 20+ story building(?!). He rushed to hospital in extended multi-cut sekwence punctuated by slo-mo shots of ambulance driving. Bad news: his pelvis and legs be crushed. Good news: Convenient experimental treatment will have him up and around in no time. Even better newz: Ghost Squad caught one of Snake Man’s thugs.
Dat night, Snake Man and his crew show up and shoot hospital staff. Dey sneak up on cops guarding prisoner (who be obviously suffering from same inner ear infektion as bad guys several scenes earlier) and kill dem. Snake Man be partikularly OTT, snapping necks, strutting around and shooting people two-gun style. It as if John Woo’s less talented younger brother made a movie and cast Gorn from de original Star Trek in de lead.
Mr. Gorn be ready for his close-up.
For good measure, Snake Man ratchet up radiation in hero-Daniel’s room. Uh, why Daniel getting radiation treatment? Never mind. Fortunately Daniel manage to hit big red CANCEL RADIATION button by his bed before tings get too uncomfortable. On de one hand, he suffer near lethal dose of radiation. On de other hand, near lethal dose of radiation give him super speed! (Kids, don’t try dis at home).
Whee! Lookit him go!
Daniel run around super fast and collapse. Concerned doctor give him “metabolism juice” to keep his spirits up.
Meanwhile, Snake Man has meeting wit his army at lavish hideout. He prove very temperamental and end up killing his General. Dis bring up a couple of questions:
1. If dis guy crazy enuf to kill his own men, why would anybody work for him?
2. Where he get de money to hire his own private army? Last time monster checked, he couldn’t even afford to continue his research!
3. How it possible we not even at halfway point of movie?
Daniel decide he need a skintight spandex costume to show off his half-boner, so he visit de local sports shop and pick one up.
Photo and commentary courtesy ofhttp://www.simplysyndicated.com/lightspeed-the-physics-they-burn/
Cut to: A meeting of scientists in a tiny room. Lead scientist unveils…a “Mass Ionic Dispersal Device!”. Other scientists clearly impressed and applaud. Beat. One pipes up: “What does it do?” What does it do? Seriously? Better question: “Hey, why we all standing around in dis room?”.
Back at Ghost Squad HQ, Lee Majors reveals dat, luckily, dey put sekret transmitter in prisoner Snake Man sprung from hospital. Now dey can track de bad guys! Dis be great – if not for de fakt dat movie clearly established months have passed since hospital attack. What took ‘em so long? Ghost Squad head off to get de drop on Snake Man and co. – wit sirens BLARING!
Snake Man and his thugs steal Mass Ionic Dispersal Device. But, before dey can get away, Ghost Squad show up! Shoot-out! Lightspeed zip onto de scene and, for some reason (mebbe to make it a fair fight) not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man. So he get his ass kicked. Snake Man steal device and stroll out to a waiting van where he make his getaway. Again. Ghost Squad really need to bone up on deir perimeter-securing.
Back at Ghost Squad HQ, team suspekt dere be a mole among dem. How else to explain how Snake Man always one step ahead? But monster feel need to point out dat Snake Man NOT one step ahead. Ghost Squad could have caught him twice – if dey had SECURED DE PERIMETER!!!
Member of team Ghost Squad captured and forced to give up location of safehouse where Daniel and his girlfriend living. Snake Man and thugs lay ambush for Daniel who show up – as Lightspeed. Again, he not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man and, again, Snake Man kick his ass. Den leave wit Daniel’s girlfriend. At dis point, monster can’t help but wonder why? Why bother laying ambush for Daniel if he not going to kill him? Why not kidnap girlfriend and leave before he get dere?
Be gentle wit him, Snake Man.
More stoopid shit happen. Finally, Lightspeed and Ghost Squad get location of Snake Man’s HQ. Lightspeed show up and told he have one of two choices: save girlfriend wit bomb strapped to her chest, or save millions of people from device dat will make Washington D.C. chilly. Or super hot. Me apologize but, at dis point, monster distracted by far more interesting Humana Medicare Advantage infomercial.
Lightspeed use his super speed to run to Washinton leaving –
Snake Man and his brother to walk into next room and rough up girlfriend. Lightspeed disarm device. But it not possible for him to race back and save girlfriend in time (In hindsight, he should have just saved girlfriend first to save time but, hey, whatcha gonna do?). Fortunately, Snake Man’s brother chooses dis moment to have sudden crisis of conscience and question whole plan. Why? Why de sudden turn? Duh. Becuz Lightspeed need convenient delay dat will allow him to get back in time to save his girlfriend. Snake Man angry and kill his brother. Den spend next fifteen minutes yelling to himself – conveniently giving Lightspeed plenty of time to get back.
BUT Lee Majors show up and – in movie’s
biggest stoopidest twist – it revealed dat HE de mole.
How possible for him to be de mole? Why it be necessary to kidnap and torture other Ghost Squad member to get location of Daniel’s safe house when dey could have just asked Lee Majors? If he de mole, why Lee Majors implanted transmitter in Snake Man’s brother? What de Fudgee-o?
Snake Man shoot and kill Lee Majors becuz he be a spiteful boss, den Lightspeed set Snake Man on fire and kick him out window.
Daniel and his girlfriend go on a picnic. De End.
Verdikt: Skript be truly horrible, but it offset by incredibly bad direktion.
Rating: No cookies but one chocolate chippee. Dat turn out to be a rat turd. Sorry.