Fantastic Four (2005)

Okay, yes, dis be garbage movie but viewer have to keep in mind dat it made in 1994 by schlock producer Roger Corman for miniscule budget and film never meant to be released…Wait.  What?  Dis NOT de Roger Corman crapfest but de 2005 $100 million budget version?  Are you sure?

Hmmm.  Monster just checked and me already reviewed Corman movie so, yep, dis de new and improved (?) Fantastic Four.  Wit 100 times de budget of de first film, you would tink it be at least ten percent better.

Mr. Fantastic. Powers = Stretchiness, wooden acting, and mysterious greying sideburns.

Movie begin wit scientist Reed Richards, played by some aktor who would make a better waiter, pitching research project to super rich scientist Dr. Viktor Von Doom.  Really, wit a name like Von Doom, he destined for villainhood.  It like  Mr. and Mrs. Pumpkins naming their daughter Fluffy.  Poor kid never stood a chance.  Viktor give de okay to de projekt dat involve study of passing cosmik clouds on his space station.  Research crew made up of Reed, his right-hand goon Ben Grimm, beautiful scientist Sue Storm, and Sue’s douche bag brother, Johnny.

Projekt gets off to bad start when cosmic clouds show up early and end up irradiating everyone.  As a result, everyone end up wit strange powers.  Reed acquires body-stretching ability.  And greying sideburns. For some reason.  Sue acquire power of invisibility – which be pretty much useless throughout movie and only used for completely illogical reasons – and ability to manifest force shields.  Johnny acquire power to manifest flames and fly around.  Ben acquire super strength and super hard rocky exterior.  And Viktor start to slowly, kinda, turn into metal…but not really…and acquire ability to control elektricity.  Oh, and knack for falling in and out of British accent.

Invisible Girl. Powers = Invisibility and unnecessary stripping.

Ben all upset.  He leave hospital and call up his girlfriend who come down to de street to meet him.  In her lingerie.  She horrified by sight of him and run away.  For some reason, Ben surprized by dis and go hang out on bridge.  He try to save suicidal jumper and cause huge pile-up.  Reed, Sue, and Johnny, who JUST HAPPEN to be on de bridge and happen to see him, want to get to Ben but can’t get thru de crowd.  So how to get through?  Have Reed stretch his legs so he can carry Sue and Johnny over de people? Have Johnny use his flying powers to carry Sue and Reed over?  Nope, let’s have Sue turn invisible and push her way thru de crowd becuz, of course, people will move over for an invisible person more dan dey would for a regular person. Dis probably de single stoopidest moment in a movie filled wit stoopid moments and, really, only an excuse to get actress Jessica Alba in her bra and panties.  But Monster not complaining.

Dey reach Ben.  Save a fire truck racing toward de scene.  And become heroes.  Dey call demselves The Fantastic Four.  Reed = Mr. Fantastic. Sue = The Invisible Girl.  Johnny = The Human Torch.  Ben = The Thing.  But Ben very sad becuz his girlfriend JUST HAPPENS to be on de bridge and see him and takes off her engagement ring and leave it on the ground before walking away.

Movie plod along, filled wit lame sight gags and dialogue.  Reed tests Ben’s reflexes wit hammer.  He kick chair across de room!  Reed walk in on Sue getting out of de shower. She turn invisible (P.S. But Monster not complaining)!  Reed uses stretchy arm to reach out of bathroom for toilet paper!  Goofy music accompanies deir anticks! Hardy har har!

Dey become celebrities.  Sue mobbed by fans and, to eskape dem, strips off her clothes, turns invisible and runs away.  No.  Really.  P.S. Monster not complaining.

The Human Torch. Powers = Flaming, flying, and general douce-baggery.

Meanwhile, becuz of accident on space station, Viktor’s company in ruins.  Investors pull out.  He exakt revenge by killing dem all.  He convince Ben dat even though Reed promised to change dem back, he really just interested in spending time with Sue.  Which bring monster to super-weak romantik triangle involving Sue, Reed and Viktor. Seriously.  Superhot intelligent girl and best she can do is choice between milquetoast loser and asshole?  Dat’s it?!!

Viktor convince Thing to step into HIS cosmic accelerator dat will turn him back to normal.   And it work.  But it also give Viktor extra power he needs to get super strong!

The Thing. Powers = rocky exterior, super strength, and sulking.

Viktor try to off de rest of de Fantastic Four but unsuccessful.  Ben turn back into Thing (somehow) and fight Viktor who, by dis point, has donned snappy new costume and metal mask dat JUST HAPPENS to be on display at nearby exhibition.  FF used deir combined powerz to take down Doom and bring movie to a merciful end.

Dr. Doom. Powers = Metallic disfigurement, super strength, control of electricity, and cheesy villainous preening.

Movie end wit after-party.  Reed propose to Sue and she accept.  Ben get together wit blind woman who love him for who he be.  Meanwhile…

A frozen Doom shipped off in container to homeland of…Latveria!!!

Verdikt: Dog poop.

Rating: 2 chocolate chippee cookies.