Elektra

Dis movie as confused as monster at Grover’s bris after me down four shooters, tree oatmeal cookies (de drink, not de cookie), and six oatmeal cookies (de cookies, not de drink).  But me not de only one confused dat night.  Turn out whole party giant misunderstanding. Girlfriend tired of Grover being taken advantage of by telemarketers and aktually ask him to be circumspekt.

Anyway, movie begin wit Elektra killing some guy.  She so good dat even in totally inappropriate sexy red outfit, she able to sneak in, take out guards, and get her man.  Subtle she aint, but why need for subtlety when you have weird unexplained mind powers like ability to see future events, ability to see tings happening somewhere else, and ability to move around really fast and whisper in people’s ears.

Elektra given new assignment by her agent.  She move into cabin on de lake where she meet annoying kid next door and annoying kid’s handsome dad.  Even though she be secret assassin, she have no problem going over to handsome guy’s house for dinner and being all chummy.  Not make much sense but, hey, neither does sexy red outfit.

Elektra contacted by agent and receives assignment.  Turns out her target be…handsome guy.  BUT she not able to go through wit it.  Why not?  Becuz she a big softy – like most successful assassins.

Ah, movie love. So unmotivated and pointless.

BUT it turn out other assassins not so softy and handsome guy’s house attacked by ninjas.  Elektra fight to protect him and, every time she kill off a ninja, he disappear in a puff of green smoke.  Why?  Shaddap. You ask too many qwestions.

Elektra realize handsome guy and annoying kid are in danger, so she bring dem to her agent’s house so she can put HIM in danger.  And, later, killed when ninjas attack his place.

Elektra, handsome guy, and annoying kid on de run.  We find out annoying kid is wanted by secret organization called De Hand becuz…well, dis not really explained.  But dey want her!  Dey want her so bad dat Hand send five super assassins after her.

Worst Pyjama Party Ever

In one of movie’s many ridikulous sekwences, Elektra and co. chased into woods by super assassins.  One super assassin killed when tree lands on him.  Quick on his feet he aint, especially for a ninja.  Another assassin, Typhoid, kiss Elektra and give her disease.  Black leaves fall around dem.  But day is saved by good ninjas.  How monster know dey be good ninjas?  Becuz dey wear white of course!

Snatch dis shoulder from my hand, grasshopper.

Turns out white ninjas led by Elektra’s former master.  Back at master’s school, Elektra learns dat Master gave her assignment to kill handsome guy in order to test her.  Huh?

What me tell you about asking qwestions?!

Elektra return to house she grew up in.  We recognize it from annoying flashback sekwences dat appear throughout dis movie.  In flashbacks, we find out Elektra’s mother killed.  By Devil!  No.  By mysterious ninja!  No.  By leader of de super assassins.  But we not learn dis last fakt until final battle when leader shout: “Now you’ll remember.”  Why? Why now?

Why not you just shaddap and enjoy de movie. Or, well, shaddap anyway.

Careful. Don’t get yer foot all tangled up in de wires.

Elektra ending up killing super assassins, but annoying kid dies. Luckily, among Elektra’s never-explained powers is ability to raise dead people.  Wha-wha-what?!  But dat make absolutely no sense!

Shaddap.  You want movie dat make more sense, go rent Lost Highway.

Dis movie left monster wit a few questions.  Like who De Hand?  What Elektra’s connection to dem?  What’s Elektra’s master’s connection to dem?  Why De Hand killed Elektra’s mother?  What happened to her father?  Why she sometime have ability to see de future?  Why she sometime have de ability to see other places?  Why she only remember dat head assassin responsible for her mom’s death in de final seconds of battle wit him?  What really happened to little girl’s mother?  Why Elektra hired to kill father?  If was a test, what was de test?  Why me forced to watch such crappy movies?  Oh, did monster say me have A FEW questions?  Me mean A LOT!

Verdikt: Guilty of assault – on good taste.  And monster’s brain.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

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