Catwoman

How can movie about sexy bendy girl who wear leather outfit and carry a whip not be good?  How possible?  Well, why not we run down pros and cons of Catwoman.  Cons: crappy akting, stoopid skript, lame direktion, annoying music, terruble speshul effekts.  Pros: Not longer den 104 minutes.  Hmmmm.  Monster tink we have our answer.

We introduced to main charakter, Patience Philips, who work at Cosmetic Firm for angry boss and his wife.  Patience be very meek, very timid, clumsy, and not very good at climbing out on ledges and onto side of buildings (all dis ridikulously established in first twenty minutes of movie).  One night, she drop by Cosmetic Firm R&D (in dis case, it stand for “rash” and “dopey”) to drop off work and happen to overhear scientist complaining about new cosmetic cream dat cause hideous physikal side effekts.  He suggest company not sell it but boss’s wife overrule him.  Why?  Becuz cream be very addiktive and she see opportunity for company to make lots of money.  How, exacktly, she expect company to make money AND survive inevitable consumer lawsuits and government investigation beats monster.  But dese be questions for de sekwel.

Me surprised to see Mitt Romney play part of evil boss in dis movie.

Bad guys notice Patience and chase her through plant, shooting at her, den flushing her out into ocean along wit super-speshul cosmetic chemikal bath (?).  She mostly dead but brought back to life.  Luckily, cat know artificial respiration!

Cat lifeguard on duty!

Patience go back home and, next morning, wake up and diskover she sleeping on shelf.  Get it?  She a cat!  Dis first of many incredibly stoopid cat-gags.  She hisses.  Dogs bark at her.  She wolf down sushi. She go crazy for catnip.  She go to bar and order “White Russian.  No ice, no vodka, no hold de Kahlua” and bartender hand her de drink: “Cream, straight up.”  ”Cat got your tongue?”she say at one point.  In another scene, we find her on her bed, licking cans of cat food.  She turned into a cat!  Get it?!

She suddenly posses cat-like powerz like having great balance, surviving falls, uh, climbing walls, errr, using a whip, and, hmmmm, playing basketball really really well (in a scene dat rival Daredevil/Elektra playground fight as one of cheesiest scenes in superhero movie history).

She show mad cat skills.

She steal motorcycle.  She foil robbery (and steal jeweled necklace to make nails for her cat gloves).  She strut along rooftops.  All de while, incessant crakptakular music play. It be like sitting thru one seemingly endless Toni Braxton video.

Wha-chaaa!

She track down bad guy who shoot at her and, after doing sexy whip dance at club (?), she rough him up and he tell her about sekret cosmetic.  She go to R&D lab and diskover scientist dead.  But janitor find HER and she suspekted of murder!

Equally dumb sub-plot involve her romantik relationship wit detektive. Dey go to amusement park where ferris wheel screw up.  Gears spinning out of control!  What to do?!  Detektive climb down from top of ferris wheel and stick wrench in gears to stop dem from turning (apparently, someting absolutely no one else on de ground capable of doing) while, up on ferris wheel, Patience use her cat quickness to save little kid.  Why dis scene important?  It not.  What it add to movie? Absolutely nothing.  It just feel like producers said “Hey, it been long time since someting actiony happen.  Why no have her save kid on ferris wheel?”

Catwoman break into boss’s house and confronted by wife.  She tell her she also suspekt hubby of general badness.  Catwoman confront boss at theater (aka tell him he not very nice), den chased by cops including her detective boyfriend.  Dey fight on CATwalk (me not tink dis accidental) den she lick and kiss his face before getting away.

“Cat got your tongue?” Get it? She a cat!

On another date wit her detective boy, it start to rain and Patience run under awning becuz she hate rain (remember, she a cat!  GET IT?!!!). Dis lead monster to remember dat cats not like water either meaning she probably not shower or bathe in a while.  Dis not bother detective and he go back to her apartment and dey have music video sex during which she scratch his back (did me mention she a cat?  You get it?). But, next morning, he discover jewel, part of her cat glove.  He take glass she used back to de lab and match lipstick DNA on glass to lipstick on cheek where Catwoman kissed him.  For real.  It a 99.9% match!

Catwoman go back to boss’s mention and fine him dead.  It turn out…boss’s wife kill him and frame Catwoman.  Patience arrested and detective confront her in interrogation. She say she innocent but he throw her in jail anyway.

“Boo hoo hoo. Why you not trust me?” “Um, mebbe because you a lying, split personality criminal?”

At dis point, screenwriter muster all his intelligence to come up wit de most brilliant metho of eskape, a method so clever and original me not ever seen it before.  How does Patience eskape from prison?  You ready for it?  She eskape by…squeezing between de bars.  For real!!!

Skinny criminals take note.

She put costume back on and confront boss’s wife who, it turn out, have super powers becuz, uh, de cream disfigure people AND give dem super powers!  How dat for a twist?!  No good?  Did me mention she eskape from prison cell by squeezing thru de bars?  Detective injured and he say to her “I’m sorry.  I should have trusted you all along.”  Of course!  All she did was lie to you about being a criminal.  Why WOULDN’T you trust her?

Cat fight! Get it?

Girl fight!  Cue lame music!  Cue lame dialogue!  Boss’s wife: “It’s over.”  Catwoman: “Guess what?  It’s overtime!”  Catwoman kick boss’s wife out window and she fall to her death.  Den, she tell detective: “I may not be a hero, but I’m certainly not a killer.”  Monster not so sure. Me guess kicking someone out a window to deir death be borderline.

Verdikt: Dis movie a CATastrophe.  Get it it?  She a cat!

Rating: 2 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Advertisements