Batmand and Robin

Batmand and Robin be de filmic equivalent of explosive garden vegetable diarrhea. Exciting, sometime pretty to look at, but it still crap.  Dis movie be Joel Schumacher’s master piece (of shit).  Terruble on almost every level.

Movie begin wit Schumacher’s patented codpiece and rubber ass shots. It den seque into one of de worst aktion sekwences in Batman franchize history wit Batman and Robin skating around wit a bad guy hockey team, stick handling a diamond like a puck. And it downhill from dere.

Arnold Schwarzenneger play role of brilliant Mr. Freeze wit all de depth and nuance of, well, Arnold Schwarzenegger desperately trying to akt. He spend de entire movie trowing out lame quippy lines like: “You’re not taking me to de cooler” and “Stay cool”.

Mr. Freeze One-Liner.

Meanwhile, in a sekwence dat look like a kid’s funhouse come to life, some crazy scientist inject a weakling wit a serum dat transform him into a Mexican pro-wrestler = Bane.  He become muscle (and occasional chauffeur) to mousey scientist assistant who mutated by lab chemikals into..de sexy (???) Poison Ivy!

Oooh, sexy.  Check out de hair horns.

Hulk Bane smash!!!

Back at Wayne manor, all sorts of not interesting tings happening. Alfred supposedly dying of (coinsidentally!) de same disease dat Mrs. Freeze suffer from.  Alfred’s niece, Barbara arrive from London (where she apparently forget her English accent) and move in.  Robin, meanwhile, spend de entire movie whining about how he second fiddle to Batman but, meanwhile, have no problem living at his place rent free, eating his food and riding his motorcycle.  Batman/Bruce Wayne, on de other hand, a big dud in dis movie.  Again.  George Clooney play de role like he got someting else he’d rather be doing.

Anyhoo, Bruce Wayne hold another charity event.  And, of course, dat mean some villain HAS to crash it.  In dis case, it Poison Ivy and Bane who infiltrate de party dressed as apes.  No.  Really.  Den, Mr. Freeze crash de party as well and, after extended toy commercial chase sekwence, he captured.

Your paint-by-numbers villais-crash-de-charity-event sekwence.

But wait!  Dere’s more!  Unfortunately.  Poison Ivy spring Mr. Freeze from Arkham Asylum.  Dey team up to freeze Gotham city wit giant teleskope.  Meanwhile, dying Alfred demonstrate best sound judgement since his decision to show Vicky Vale de Batcave by giving Barbara a Batgirl outfit he made.  For her?  Maybe.  But monster suspect he aktually made for himself and just gave to her as an afterthought.  ”Oh, uh, de rubber girly suit?  Dat’s for…dat’s for…dat’s for you!”

Dey team up and go after Freeze/Ivy.

Blah blah blah puns.  Blah blah blah explosions.  Blah blah blah Bat trio save de day.  Blah blah blah Alfred doesn’t die.  Blah blah blah.

Blah blah and blah.

Bleh.

Verdikt: De movie dat temporarily killed de Bat franchise – or, as Mr. Freeze would say: “Poot eet on ice.”

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.  But be careful.  One chip really a mouse turd.

Advertisements