Batman Forever

Batman Forever.  Well, at almost two hours running time, it sure feel dat way.  After box office suckcess of first two Batman movies, studio reward Tim Burton by replacing him as direktor and changing tone of franchise to make it less dark and more kid friendly.  Result is movie about as stoopid as Batman Returns wit bonus homoerotik subtext dat make Ernie and Bert’s housewarming party feel like pub night at de dockyard.

Performances vary.  Val Kilmer, our new Bruce Wayne/Batman, seem to be doing imitashun of a boring Michael Keaton – but, in all fairness, Michael Keaton did imitashun of a boring Michael Keaton in first two installments.  On opposite end of spektrum is Jim Carey who play Edward Nigma/Riddler with so over-de-top cartoon craziness, monster surprized he not burst a brain vessel during produktion.  Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face try to keep up de mania but Jimmy leave him in de dust.  Chris O’Donnell play Robin, Bruce Wayne’s boy toy sidekick, Robin.  And finally, dere’s Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridien (me surprized to learn dis aktually NOT name of a bank) who show up to play role of stereotypical love interest/far-fetched intellektual/damsel in dis dress.

Val Kilmer does imitashun of his dummy at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum…for de entire movie!

Movie open on shots of Batman suiting up, lingering on his bat nipples and giant codpiece.  It very important becuz director Joel Schumacher bookend dis embarrassing shot in final suit-up montage with lingering shot of Batman’s ass.

Yes, dey ARE happy to see you. VEEEEERY happy.

Batman jump into Batmobile (which, for some reazon, has been redezigned with a fin) and races away to save a hostage from Two-Face. On his way, he meet up with seksy Dr. Chase Meridian, a psykiatrist who, it turn out, could use a psykiatrist herself.

Batman’s sharkmobile.  When it went up for auktion, winner had to promise not to drive it in publik.  Monster guess WB didn’t want to be reminded.

Anybody worried dat dis movie will be any less stoopid dan last one will be encouraged by first aktion sequence dat make absolutely no sense. Batman gets trapped in vault wit hostage and has to use hostage’s hearing aid to pick de lock while vault fills wit acid.  Why is vault filling wit acid?  Becuz Two Face wants to make sure he kills Batman! Den why not just drop vault off side of building instead of trying to fly away wit it?  Oh, becuz Two Face wants to steal de money inside! Okay, den why is vault filling wit acid?  Oh, becuz Two Face wants to make sure he kills Batman!  Den why not just drop…

Tommy Lee Jones should know better den to get into a scenery chew-off wit Jim Carey.

Batman saves hostage, crashes helicopter into Statue of Liberty, but survives – and bad guys get away.

After blowing off loony scientist, Edward Nigma, who be working on some sort of invention involving t.v. signals and brain waves, Bruce Wayne suits up and answers bat signal.  But it turn out it a false alarm. Bat Signal not turned on by Commishiuner Gordon.  It was turned on by Chase Meridian so she can greet Batman in seksy dress.  WTF? SHE is a psykiatrist?   She so obviously crazy me convinced she really a surprize supervillain.  But it turn out monster give writer too much credit.

Bruce Wayne invite Chase Meridian for a date at de circus (?) which is being broadcast live (?).  Two Face show up and demand Batman reveal his identity or he will blow up everyone in de big top.  Bruce Wayne stands up and shouts: “I am Batman!” but nobody care becuz Tommy Lee Jones giving a far more interesting performance.  Akrobats try to stop Two Face and are all killed except (not so) young Dick Grayson who gets rid of bomb and saves everyone.  Except his family.

Bruce decide to adopt Dick – which would be okay except dat, later in movie, Batman refers to him as a “college student”, meaning he be at least 18 years old.  So Bruce Wayne trying to adopt another man!  And when Dick say he not interested, sugar daddy Bruce bribe him wit his own motorcycle.

Meanwhile, plenty of stoopid tings happen.  Batmobile races up side of building.  Edward Nigma take supervillain persona of de Riddler, inspired by a Riddler bobble-head doll.  He selling speshul t.v. dat does – monster not sure what – to people in Gotham.  Riddler drop in on Two Face and dey team up against Batman while…

Jim Carey in most restrained performance since Ace Ventura Pet Detective.

Back at stately Wayne manor, Dick show off his kung fu laundry moves. Really.  He strut his stuff, squeezing out his laundry and hanging it up on de Wayne manor clothesline – becuz, me guess, Bruce Wayne too cheap to buy a dryer.  Does he also make Alfred cook his meals over de fireplace?

Edward Nigma trows party.  He suggest Bruce try out his weird brainwave t.v.  For some reazon, brilliant Bruce Wayne tink dis is a good idea and takes him up on his offer.  Den, Two Face crash party. Batman chases him away and almost killed but saved by Dick.

Dis movie like campy 60′s t.v. version but nowhere near as smart.

Riddler and Two Face take a peek at Bruce Wayne’s stolen brainwaves and see a bat so dey figure he must be Batman becuz NOBODY else in Gotham would ever tink of a bat!  Riddler and Two Face crash Wayne manor, shoot Bruce Wayne in de head and…don’t kill him even tho that’s what they’ve been trying to do for de entire movie.  Instead, dey blow up batcave, leave a riddle and kidnap Chase.

Bruce and Alfred put their heads together and figure out Riddler’s riddles.  Each has a number.  Each number corresponds to a letter of de alfabet: MRE.  Mr. E!  Mystery!  Or another word for mystery be enigma!  Mr. Enigma!  Great and SO WHAT?!  Instead of wasting time solving riddles, why not look up in de sky where Riddler shining a giant “?” and follow de source of de “?”-signal back to his hideout?

Dick show up, now in costume (dat Alfred made for him).  Dey head out, Batman and Robin, partners!

Batman and Robin crash Riddler’s HQ.  Robin almost kill Two Face but save him instead so he captured.  Batman given choice – save Chase or Robin.  He saves both.  Den, he kill Two Face by confusing him wit multiple coins, and drive Riddler crazy by turning his brainwave machine against him.

Movie end wit Riddler at Arkham Asylum, convinced he is Batman. Bruce Wayne, meanwhile, gets de girl and live happily ever after wit Chase Meridian.  Just like he lived happily ever after wit Vicky Vale.

VERDIKT: Great set designs and costumes.  Crummy skript.  Same old story for de Batman franchise.  Mebbe dey get it right de next time.

RATING: 3 chocolate chippee cookies out of 10.

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