Zzzzzz. Snort. Hunh? Me awake! Sorry. Monster up all night trying to finish Rocketeer for todayz review. Movie is trowback to old cereals from de 30′s and 40′s your grandpa used to love. Of course dis be same guy who can watch construction AAAALL AFTERNOON so dat not saying much. At times, Rocketeer capture dat old timey spirit with beootiful updated costumez and special effekts – but same seventy year old musty script. De only interesting charakter in dis movie is de villain. Not de MOST interesting. De ONLY interesting one.
Movie start wit test flight of plane. All going superfantastik until bad guyz being chased by FBI shoot at plane out of spite. It crash. Bad guyz car coinsidentally end up in airplane hanger where bad guy hide sekret package everyone after. He trick FBI into tinking package destroyed, den he sent off to hospital. Turn out package is experimental jet pack dezigned by de guy from Lost! FBI want him to build one more. He say no because blah blah blah…zzzzz. Sorry. Sorry! Me awake now. Where was monster? Oh yah!
Hey, itz John Locke! Bet you not see dat twist coming!
Evil aktor (how dat for a tautology?) after de jet pack wit help from gangsterz. He call up big goon to visit bad guy in hospital to find out where it at. Turn out, it “at” airplane hangar where handsum hero find it hidden in plane. Meanwhile, we introduced to girlfriend of hero who blander den plain yogurt. Mebbe even blander den skript for Rocketeer. Dey go on date. Dey talk and diskuss…zzzzz. Huh? What? Where is monster?! Oh. De blog. Right! Sorry. So sorry.
Anyway, girlfriend is also aktress. Coinsidentally, she is extra in movie starring evil aktor. When our hero show up on closed set and skrew up scene by knocking over set dec, she fired. Den unfired when evil aktor realize she be girlfriend of guy who have jet pack (Coinsidentally, he overhear dis information. Why waste time creating clever ways for villain to find out information when overhearing conversationz sooooo much easier?). He ask her on date.
Let me strap dis on your back…great…now me going to stand waaaay over here and…good luck!
Air show! Some clown in plane get into trouble. It Rocketeer to de reskue! Hero strap on jet pack, put on speshul helmet, and fly up. Crowd amazed. Old timey reporterz call in skoops. Rocketeer save clown. He wave at people in plane. Den crash. Sidekick drive over to help but car break down. Gangsterz closing in. So, in coolest scene of movie, Rocketeer give car a push – wit his jetpack. Car take off like Grover’s miata on a Saturday nite cruise for chicks!
Some guy die. FBI shootout wit big goon. Gangsterz show up at diner looking for hero. Dey find girlfriend name and phone number on bulletin board by phone for reazon only scriptwriter know for sure. Fight!
Not so comic sidekick.
And Jennifer Connelly as de wishywashy love interest.
Evil aktor and wishywashy girlfriend at dinner. Hero show up disguized as waiter. He spill drink on her. Runs into big goon. Chased. Changez into Rocketeer. Fly around club den fly away. Ho hum.
Evil aktor take girlfriend home. He try to seduce her. She bonk him on de head, sneak around and diskover…he really nazi. Suddenly, he awake – but brain damage from head shot cause him to talk wit German aksent for rest of movie.
Agree to swap. Jet pack for de girl (If monster’s call, he keep de jet pack – but me not one to criticize). Gangsterz find out evil aktor a nazi and dey turn against him. Den more nazi’s show up. Den FBI show up! DEN BLIMP SHOW UP! EVERYBODY SHOOT! AND RUUUUN FOR IT!
Evil aktor and girlfriend get on blimp and fly away. Rocketeer chase. Fight big goon. Crash into gondola. Evil aktor take jet pack and fly away – but hero cause fuel leak so evil aktor blow up and burnt to crisp. But not before delivering best exchange in movie:
Girlfriend: “You’re a liar.”
Evil Aktor: “It wasn’t lying, Jenny. It was acting!”
De name is Bond, Jakob Bond. Schweinhund!
Evil aktor blow up. Blimp blow up. Rocketeer save de day. Happy ending for everyone and couple finally resolve deir differences and…zzzz. Oh! Okay. Finished?
Verdikt: Dis movie try to fly high and recapture spirit of old timey cereals but grounded by boring skript and bland charakters (See what monster did dere? Fly high? Grounded? Movie was Rocketeer, remember?).
Rating: 6 sugarless chocolate chippee cookies.