Blankman

Calling dis movie “a comedy” be like calling orange soda “juice”. Blankman aktually offer less den 5% of de daily rekommended serving of laffs.  It start promising enuf, den go downhill faster den a carob birtday cake delivery truck wit no brakes.  Or a movie written by a ten year old – which me suspekt dis is.

Movie open wit great scene of two boyz trying to watch Batman. Recepshun bad so little genius create antenna using aloominum foil, string, and toilet (coinsidentally, dis also eqwipment Grover use to make his Blue Belly Crank ®All Rights Reserved, White Crunch Productions – a subsidiary of Grover Inc.).  It work!  Den toilet overflow.  When grandma find out, she storm into room and we cut to opening creditz wit old-style Batman sound effekts – POW! BAM! – substitooting for grandma’s ass-whooping.  Monster tink dis great stuff. Could it be dis movie get even higher rating den Rocketman and bring rath of angry blog reader Das down on Cookie?

Fast-forward.  Kidz grown up.  One, Kevin, a player with de ladies.  De other, Daryl, a nerd.  Damon Wayons play him wit all de skill and suttlety of aktor who flunk out of De Jerry Lewis Akademy for Performing Artz.

NEEEEEERD!

Daryl invent all sort of useless tings inkluding a green poshun dat make his clothes bulletproof.  Monster don’t know how and don’t know why. And neither does writer of movie becuz he not bother to explain.

Like most sucksessful nerdz, he invent someting.

At dis point, movie turn surprizingly poignant, like dat time Andrew Dice Clay cry on Arsenio.  Grandma killed by gangster.  On way back from funeral, Daryl save woman from purse snatcher.  He catch de bug. No, not taxoplasmosis dat mebbe explain his stoopid behavior (brain damage).  Me talking about de “superhero bug”!  Daryl sew hisself an outfit, attach some gadjets to his belt, and go off to fight crime!

Ready to kick it – lame style.

He try to fight crime and get beat up, but saved by brother Kevin. Den trown in jail for akting crazy.  Kevin bring him to visit psykiatrist but doktor tink Kevin de crazy one.  Dis scene aktually work well and almost convince monster mebbe dis IS a comedy, but den rest of movie convince me otherwize.

Daryl get big brake when he help deliver baby in elevator.  Suddenly, he a real superhero: Blankman!  Everybody love him inkluding seksy reporter who Kevin in love wit.  She go on date wit him, kiss him, and in movie’s biggest WTF scene, Daryl get his first erektion and dance around like he have poopy cramps.  Ah, comedy gold!  For some reazon, seksy reporter find dis adorable.

Hilarious horniness

Everyting great for Daryl until mayor taken hostage in bank by gangster (same one who kill Daryl and Kevin’s grandma).  Daryl goes into bank to save Mayor but place rigged wit ekspolsives and he have to leave.  Bank blow up.  Mayor die.  For some reazon (aka de plot call for it) police and publik blame Blankman.  Daryl decide to hang up his cape and give up on life.  What he do?  Become hermit?  Worse.  Kill hisself?  Worse even!  He get job at McDonaldz!

And tings get even worse for Daryl when fate (and demandz of lame script) intervene.  Gangster  kidnap reporter!  Daryyl have to retire from fast food bizness and join Kevin to save de girl!

Partnerz in dorkiness

Dey save girl wit help of robot dat look like cyborg Cookie Monster.  But gangster get away so we can stretch out dis painful movie even longer. Daryl and Kevin show up.  Kevin dare bad guyz to shoot him.  Dey do. He get shot.  Den Daryl say to Kevin: “Forgot to tell you: only my clothez bulletproof.”  Hohoho.  Is funny because he not shot in face, crap his pantz, and scream like guy who cross Oscar de Grouch dat one time.

Daryl/Blankman use rocket bootz to catch gangster.  Gangster arrested. Blankman a celebrity again.  Kevin to lesser extent.  Daryl worried dat reporter not love him for who he is but really only love Blankman.  However, turn out everyting okay becuz he just love stoopid socially awkward guyz like most women monster don’t know. She kiss him and movie end wit extended poopy cramp dance as Daryl get another boner.  Sure.  Why not?

Nerd gets de girl – only in de movies

Verdikt: Rocketman dis aint.  Heck, it not even Meteor Man.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie frontloaded in first five minutes of movie.

Advertisements