Batman Returns

Batman Returns remind monster of solid gold eggz Big Bird get by mail order.  Nice to look at but empty and when send complaint, company stop taking your callz and it all end wit director filing restraning order against you.  Dis movie also like Grover at prom nite. All style, no substance, some pleather, and night end wit someone face down in pool.  Me know, me know.  People will say: “Come on, monster. Just enjoy movie for what it is!”.  But monster not understood why me have to settle for lazy skript, espeshully when so much effort go into rest of film.  It suggest people who make movie just not care very much – about skript, about audience and, most important of all, about monster.  And dis hurt monster’s feelingz and make him want to cry. And punch someone.  And if can’t punch someone, shitty review de next best ting!

All dressed up and nowhere to go.

Movie start wit baby being abandoned in Gotham sewerz.  He grow up to be…arch villain Penguin!  Meanwhile, powerful bizness man plotting to screw city. He be…arch villain Max Shrek!  But his mousey assistant find out about his planz and, in one of moviez many stoopid scenez, she tell him she know everyting.   So he trow her out window but she survive and become…arch villain Catwoman!

She make dis outfit out of one jacket hanging in her closet.  For true.

Two villainz not alwayz twice as good as and tree never tree timez as good, but story almost manage to work – only to fall apart in individual scenez where logic take back seat to moving tings along.  For instants, Penguin blackmail Max to help him get power.  In one scene, clown jump out of sewer, take mayor baby, and jump back into sewer. Everyone hear sound of skuffle, den Penguin show up wit baby.  He saved baby!  Suddenly, everybody love dis creature dat look like beach ball wit feet.  Me know, me know.  ”Come on, monster.  Just enjoy movie for what it is!”

Cat scratch fever.

For instants, Max Shrek trow Selina out window to keep her from talking about his secretz.  She show up at work next day and, insted of trying to kill her again, he shrug and say he too busy to bother.  Me know, me know.  ”Come on, monster.  Just enjoy movie for what it is!”

Supervillain team up!

For instants…

Max Shrek visit Penguin.  He say he have surprize for him, take him downstairz where – is now located Penguin for Mayor office complete wit volunteerz.  And Penguin not notice anyting while upstairz?

Catwoman kidnap woman and leave her standing on ledge.  Instead of hopping off to safety, she stand dere until Penguin scare her into falling.  She die.  Instead of arresting Catwoman for accessory to murder, Batman just leave.

Catwoman makeshift clawz she puts together from itemz in her apartment able to penetrate Batsuit even tho it was bulletproof in last movie.

Insane klown posse hijack batmobile.  How?  Oh, we establish dey have de planz?  Where dey get de planz?

Me know, me know.  ”Come on, monster.  Just enjoy movie for what it is!”

Penguin loved by people who want him to be mayor – until Bruce and Alfred pull de olde “play de bad guyz sekretly rekorded diskussion in publik”.

Catwoman fight Batman.  Batman fight Penguin.  Penguin fight Catwoman.  Batman fight Penguin again.  Catwoman fight Max Shrek.

Catwoman want to kill him but Batman say no.  Dey have to bring him to jail.  Party pooper.  He have no problem killing henchman clown by blowing him up earlier in movie.  What a hipocrit!

Oh, and an idiot.  For some reazon, Batman unmask himself in front of Catwoman – and Max Shrek!

Catwoman electrocute herself, then grab Max Shrek and tongue him wit tazer.  Max die but she survive.  Somehow.

Me know, me know.

Verdikt: Nice visualz but skript leave someting to be dezired – mainly, logic.  Bottom line: Director Tim Burton not care about you.  In fakt, he hate your gutz.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies out of 10 (5 chocolate chippee cookies if you watch wit sound off).

Pleaze diskuss.