The Punisher (1989)

Monster really looking forward to not seeing dis movie.  So looking forward, in fakt, dat me make planz to visit Wildwood New Jerzey for jellyfish mating seazon instead. Joe accuze monster of not trying hard enuf to find movie, but iz not true.  Me look everywhere for it!  Even check out speshulty video store dat have hard-to-find moviez NOBODY want to see like Howard de Duck, Showgirlz, and Tree of Life (Trip not total loss.  Me reserve advance copy of John Carter of Marz).  No dice.  Or Punisher.  So monster decide to take week off.  Me shopping for new flip flops (me got fungal infektion after lending last pair to Grover for his trip to Iziba) when get call from Joe.  He have not good newz!  Blog reader, kymm, find copy of Punisher for me. So instead of Wildwood trip, monster stay at home to do movie review.  Biggest trajedy is jellyfish.  How dey supposed to have seks witout people watching dem?

Punisher movie start off wit opening credit sekwence dat remind monster of Kwentin Tarantino parody of cheezy late 80’s action movie opening credit sekwence. So far, so good.  But den producerz get greedy and decide to release rest of movie.

Headbreak Hotel

Movie start wit mob boss going home after being akwitted of murdering family of cop.  Turn out dat cop very angry.  He now go by new name, Punisher, becuz dat what he do now: punish bad guyz dat commit crimez, punish screenwriter by butchering his dialog, punish viewerz by making dem sit thru his scenez.  Dolf Lundgrim play Punisher as cross between comic book charakter, Elvis, and not very good aktor wit shoe polish 5 o clock shadow.  But, boy, he kick some ass!

Hello, God.  It me, Punisher.

He kill gangster, den go back home, aka de sewerz, where he strip down, oil up, and chat wit God about life and current affairz.  Punisher have only one friend = homeless stage aktor who quote Shakespeare and, sadly, miss some great opportunitiez to die.  He also have former friend and police partner, Iron Eagle, who trying to help him with plot-forwarding-cliche-computer-ekspert-female-cop-Sam.

Alas, poor York, I knew him Horshack.  A fellow of infinite jest, excellent fancy pantz, and dislocated shoulderz.

New mob boss come to town and try to unite gangsterz.  But dey threatened by Yakuza boss Lady Tanaka who wear pinky thimble like 50 Cent used to back when he more street.  She also have crazy adopted blond daughter dat make good argument for old timey orfanages.  Lady Tanaka kidnap gangsterz kidz to get dem to cooperate – but kill gangsterz anyway AND sell de kidz into slavery.  She be one col’ azz mofo!

Punisher crash club dat look like bad 80’s rock video (Old rich-looking white guy? Check!  Guy wit turban wit a blond on each arm?  Check!  Half-dressed super-muscular woman on stage?  Check!  Hey!  Where Dee Snyder?!).  He shoot up amuzement park and get captured and tortured.  But he tuff and full of witty one-linerz.    He eskape and reskue kidz, load dem on bus and drive away.  Bad guyz try to stop him by shooting at bus, but no one have bright idea to shoot out tirez. Punisher get away, spot police road block, speed up toward it AND…stop.  Ha!  Fooled ya!  Police not amuzed.  He arrested.

BUT he freed by new mob boss who need his help to save his son, only kid dat still wit Lady Tanaka!  Marvel Super Villain Team Up!  Eksellsior!!!

Dey take elevator up.  Shoot up room full of guyz wit swords.  Hobo Hamlet killz de elektricity and switch mood lighting to looorid red.  For some reazon.

Like Saturday night at Grover love shack.

Punisher fight crazy blond adopted daughter.  And snap her neck.

Take dat, bitch!
Not so fast, Punisher-san.

Halfway thru movie, producerz realize Lady Tanaka not quite stereotypikal enuf Japanese villain so dey dress her up like geisha for final fight.  Ah.  Much better.  She threaten to kill boy.  Punisher kill her wit knife to de head.  Den gangster boss try to kill Punisher.  But Punisher kill him first.  Den son want to kill Punisher.  But he not have de stones.  Son upset but, hey, whatyagonnado?

Verdikt: Plot aktually not bad.  But monster can’t say same for Dolf Lundgrim.

Rating: 5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Pleaze diskuss.