Superman IV

Wow.   Superman IV VERY impressive.  It achieve someting not even General Zodd and Leks Luthor able to do = kill off Superman.  After dis movie, Hollywood say: “Okay.  Time for Superman V!” and audiencez everywhere say: “Aaah, don’t bodder.  We good.  Tanks.”  And Superman go to sleep for twenty years until someone else get crack at putting him to sleep again.

I hope comrade brought change of space pantz.

Movie start in space where Soviet space station take direkt hit from orbital junk.  But Superman arrive, cape flapping in de solar wind, and save de day.  Den, he change back into Clark and visit farm in Smallville where he hide space capsule from Kripton.  He learn about extra special power source dat can only be used once.  Monster wonder: “Why we just learning about dis power source now?”  File dis one away for future referents.

Clark play catch wit real estate broker.  Pretend he crappy at sportz (becuz he nerd – duh!), but when real estate broker leave, he hit baseball so hard it fly into space (and, monster like to tink, into Soviet space station dat plummet back down to Earth).

Back at work, Clark find out Daily Planet have new owner who want to turn paper into tabloyd.  New owner also have daughter, Lacey, who want to turn Clark into her own nerdy sexclusive!  Oh, and Amerika and Russia almost going to nooklear war.  So little boy write to Superman and ask him to do someting about it.  After all, he Superman!

Meanwile, Leks Luthor eskape from prison wit help of annoying nephew played by Jon Crier.  Dey decide to make Superman clone.  But where to get gentikal sample?  Well, luckily Superman stoopid enuf to give Metropolis Museum sample of his own hair for display purposez. Guggenheim, insidentally, have his collection of nail clippings and De Hermitage have hiz very impressive super stool sample after dinner at Olive Garden (it far but worth trip!).  Anyway, dey settle for hair.

Budget kind of tight. Let’s re-use same sekwence from first movie. It not make sense? Dats okay. We just pretend it never happen.

At about dis point in movie, plot stops for completely useless scene where Clark take Lois hand and jump off building.  Den – surprize her by turning into Superman!  Luckily she not have heart attack or shit her pantz.  He fly her around.  At one point, he let go – and she flying too!  How possible?  Me dunno.  Power of love?  Superman take Lois back to apartment, kiss her, and den use his “powerz of make people forget tings” to  make her forget everyting dat just happened.  Huh? Monster tink me alredy seen dis movie!

Superman visit UN to outlaw nooklear weapons. And crocs.

Superman decide what best for world, visit UN and say he going to get ride of nookes.  He gather dem all up in giant net and trow dem into sun.  Kablooey!

Leks take advantage.  He hide speshul genetikal experiment in missile and den show up at testing range disguized as General (apparently dats all you have to do to get access to top sekret site = dress up like a general).  Monster wonder: Why U.S. testing nooklear missile when it obvious Superman will just trow it into sun?  Also, why necessary for Leks to show up at missile range dressed as general?  Also, why me still watching dese louzy moviez?  Sad to say monster have no good answerz.

Behold…Mullet Man!

Missile lunched!  Superman arrive and trow into sun.  Genetikal experiment use power of sun and give birth to… Mullet Man!!!  He have power of beootiful hair, long radioactive fingernails, and ability to speak perfekt English.

Clark and Superman, meanwile, keeping buzy both trying to be at same place at same time.  Superman fly out window and change into Clark who on way into elevator but get taken out by baggage kart (?) den change into Superman and fly back up, etc.  Dis scene have potenshul but never any good reazon given why Clark and Superman HAVE to be at Lois apartment at same time.  Anyway, hijinks interrupted by Leks who lure Superman to ambush.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Superman vs. Mullet Man!  FIGHT!!!  Mullet Man destroy Great Wall of China!  Superman rebuild using his speshul bricklaying eye beams! Mullet Man trigger volcano!  Superman cap it wit top of udder mountain!  Mullet Man drop Statue of Liberty on people!  Superman catch it and put it back!  Den, Mullet Man use his radioactive nailz to scratch Superman and kick him away.

He scratch yer eyez out!!!

What going on?  Superman gone?  Clark dying of radiashun poizoning! But it turn out cure for radiashun poizoning iz pep talk from Lois. Oh, and power source introduced at beginning of movie.

Aaaah! Nice, fresh space air!

Superman back!  Superman vs. Mullet round two!  Dey fight!  Mullet Man try to hurt innosent bystanderz!  Superman use his telekinesiz powerz to save dem (yep, he have dose too.  For dis movie anyway). Dey fight on de moon.  Mullet Man kidnap Lacey (who he suddenly in love wit…for some reazon) and fly her away from Earth, her beootiful hair rippling in de solar wind.  Superman save her and defeat Mullet Man…somehow.  Monster apologize but he leave for forty sekonds to check on baking cookiez and mis dat part.  Me tink about rewinding and watching missing forty sekonds.  But decide not worth it.

Anyway, happy ending, espeshully for dis monster dat not have to watch another movie wit Super in de title for a while!

Verdikt: Pros – Shorter den Superman III.  Also, Supergirl alredy retire award for SuperShittiestSuperMovie so some improvement here.  Cons – Still terrible movie.  Lotz not make sense but, instead of feeling angry (like after Superman II), monster just feel sad for everybody – aktors, audience, and espeshully hisself.

Rating: 1/2 chocolate chippee cookie wit no chocolate chippeez. 😦

Pleaze diskuss.

Next week, monster view Batman (1989):

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