Batman (1989)

Finally, a supermovie dat not completely suck.  Only partz involving wet noodle main charakters, a butler who can’t keep a sekret, and bad guyz dancing to Prince.

Movie star wit family lost in big city.  Dad say he know where dey going.  Yeh. Me know too.  Straight to Hell!  He lead dem down desserted alley where dey beaten and robbed. Tanks, dad!  But robberz not get far.  Batman make grand entrance like he Phantom of da Opera, ruff dem up, and call it a night.

It turn out cool, tough Batman really skinny lame Michael Keaton Bruce Wayne. Monster not like dis bit of casting.  Batman not all about de soot and bat shark repellent.  It about de man under de soot who aktually real hard and tough like Animal in his MMA dayz or Christian Bale yelling at direktor of photography.

Milktoasty is adjektive?

Love interest in movie not dat interesting at all.  Vicky Vale about as eggciting as bag of low calorie shortbread cookies.

Vicky Vale = de steamed halibut of Batman charakters

But dats okay becuz villain in movie make up for both boring charakters.  Jack start off as bad guy working for Curly Washburn but have affair wit girlfrend of boss and end up set up at chemikal plant.  Police arrive!  Den Commishuner Gordon arrive! Den Batman arrive!  Jack fall into vat of chemikals!  And nobody bodder to fish him out. Monster not sure know why not.  Mebbe it a union ting.  Anyway, when everyone leave, Jack crawl out of chemikal vat.  He transformed into…Joker!  Green hair!  Pancake make-up!  Way too much lipstick!  Scary?  Not really.  He just look like ladiez night regular at Sesame Street Pub.

Jack Nickelson tear it up on de golf course AND onscreen.

He consolidate power over udder crime lordz.  He kill dem with joy buzzerz and fedders.  He poison beauty and Hi Gene! produktz so dat everybody scared to use. Newscasterz end up looking like weekend Groverz.

When Joker start dancing to Prince, monster reddy to call it a movie.

Joker fantastik villain.  Very impressive.  Until he show up at muzeum and start dancing to Prince.  Prince?!  Twenty years ago mebbe dis seem like good idea.  Now, it just painful to watch.  Joker kidnap Vicky Vale.  Monster tink he could do better. Batman tink so too becuz he show up and take Vicky away in bitchin’ Batmobile.

Sweet ride.

For some reazon, Bruce Wayne decide he in love wit Vicky after two dates.  He wrestle with wedder to tell her he Batman.  Den Joker show up at her apartment. Bruce Wayne dare him to shoot him.  But not in de head.  Only in de chest exaktly where he hide metal tray to deflekt bullet.  Joker shoot him.  Not in the de head. Only in de chest exaktly where Bruce hide metal tray to deflekt bullet.  Luckeeeeee! For some reazon, before he shoot Bruce, Joker say silly line.  He claim he always say dis silly line before he kill somebody.  Really?  He not say it any udder time in movie. Why important?  Turn out it lame plot device to remind Bruce of night his parentz killed – by man who use same line!  Yes!  Joker killed Bruce Waynez parentz! What a coinsidents!  A lame, lame coinsidents!

While Bruce being all mopey, Alfred bring Vicky into batcave.  What de Fudgeoo?  Old coot suddenly start giving tours of bat cave now witout permishun?  (“Over on right is bat computer where Batman, aka Bruce Wayne, search for bad guyz.  Over on left is Batmobile dat Batman, aka Bruce Wayne, drive around in.  And we walking.  We walking.  Say, did me mention Batman really Bruce Wayne?”).  How dis idiot still have a job?!

Joker trow parade.  More dancing to Prince.  😦

Stoopid people rush to Joker for cash – and death.  But Batman arrive.

It’s de Phantom – er – Batman!

Dis all lead to most unsatisfying final battle in movie history.  Batman in super batsuit vs. bad guys.  Batman beat dem all.  Yawn.  Joker try to fight him.  No match for super batsuit.  Yawn.

De most anti-cimactik climaks

Joker fall off building.  But not dead!  Manage to turn tablez on Batman and Vicky. He try to get away – but Batman murder him with batarang and handy gargoyle. Just as well for dis monster.  Me not like prospekt of possible sekwell wit Joker dancing to Sheila E. or Appolonia.

Verdikt: Monster appreciate any film dat me not have to take Zanax to sit thru!

Rating: 7 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Pleaze disckuss!

Today’s entry is dedicated to anniefromfreemantle.  Condolences.

Advertisements