Superman II

Superman II is great movie for kidz!  Rotten, notty kidz who you want to punish but not allowed to spank, so dis torturus movie next best ting.  Superman II also perfekt for kidz becuz it mostly make no sense and kidz won’t care – just like people who make dis steaming pile of crap.

Superman II start wit flashback to sentence of tree bad guyz from Superman I to flippy prison.  Den go to opening creditz.  Den go to Clark Kent having trouble getting thru office door.  Nyuk nyuk nyuk!  Clark find out dat terroristz have bomb on Eiffel Tower.  It been newz for 12 hours but for some reason Clark not know.  12 hours?!! How possible?!  Mebbe was up all night drinking Grover Wallbangers (replace vodka with Nyquil, TM Grover).  At dis point, monster ask “But he superman!  Why so inept?  Make no sense!”  Den monster realize it becuz writer need Lois Lane to be in Paris alredy!  But – !  Shhhshhhshhh.

In Paris, Lois trick stoopidest policeman in de world (yep, he in France) and sneak up Eiffel Tower.  Get on elevator…wit bomb dat terroristz akcidentally set off wit countdown.  Akcidentally?  At dis point, monster ask: “What terroristz plan?  Don’t want to set off bomb?  Den why have?  Plan to escape?  How?”  Shhhshhhhshhh. Superman fly in, save annoying Lois (boo!  boo!) and fly elevator into space where it blow up.   BUT…

Nooklear blast wave free bad guyz from flippy prison fantom zone.  At dis point, monster ask” Whaaaat?!  What flippy prison doing so close to Earth?  If superman dad, Clorox, sending superman to Earth, why send bad guyz in same direktion? It make no sense!!!”  Shhhshhhshhh.  Bad guys free, kick some moon ass, play hackysack wit astronot, and wreck paper mache shuttle dat look like it made by grade 2 artz and craftz class.  Back at Mishun Control, Cliff Clavin don’t know whatz up.

In federal prison, meanwile, guard see Lex and dummy henchman playing chess in cell.  He say someting to dem and dey look at him and continue playing, den guard realize not really dem but hologram of dem!  Trick!  At dis point, monster say: “Waitaminute!  If only hologram, why dey turn and look at guard when he talk to dem?  NOT MAKE SENSE!”  Shhhshhhshhh.  Lex escape wit help of woman he try to kill in last movie (shhshhhshhh) and get away in slow-moving hot air balloon (shhhshhhshhh).

Sooooooooo funny! Monster wonder how much dey pay de kid who wrote dis movie.

Meanwile, Clark and Lois at Niagra Falls as undercover newlywedz.  Opportoonity for more hyuk hyuks.  Superman save annoying little boy and almost steal some hot dogz (but sound editor add sound effekt of him dropping change – on other hot dogz).  Lois tink Clark really Superman so jump into water to prove it.  She almost die but he save her witout turning into Superman.  Den, ten minute later in hotel room, he tell her anyway.

Yeah, me Superman. Mebbe me should have told you sooner instead of almost letting you drown. Oh well.

Meanwile, Lex Luthor fly hot air balloon all de way to North Pole and find fortress of saltitude.   How he find it?  Shhhshhhshhh.

Superman fly Lois to fortress of saltitude but Lex long gone.  Meanwile, bad guyz land in small town, beat up hillbilliez.  Where Superman?  Oh, he busy…

Bad guyz beat up army and qwestion flamboyunt general.  Where Superman?!!! Still, busy…

Bad guyz crash white house.  Where Superman?!!!  Getting busy!

Oooh. Satiny space sheets! Feel so good on monster’s fur.

Superman find out from hologram of mother dat he can make himself human if he step into speshul chamber.  Process irreversable!  So he do it….for love!  Wha-wha-whhhat?  What about love for adopted planet and people depending on him?  Why have to give up being Superman to date skank Lois?  Monster not understand!   Shhhshhhshhh.

So, Superman just normal guy now.  He have no more powerz.  Den realize dat now have no way to get back to civilizashun becuz can’t fly so he and Lois starve to death.

Da End!

Me wish!!!  Dey go to truck stop near station of saltitude (!).  Shhhhshhhshhh. Wimpy Clark get beat up by bully.  Den hear dat bad guyz taken over world! Superman Clark feel stoopid.  Soooo stooopid, in fakt, dat he decide to walk back to the fortress of saltitude in his suit and dress shoez.  Why he not die?!   Shhhshhhshhh.

Lois go back to Metropolis.  Bad guyz show up wit Lex Luthor (who serve no purpose in dis movie).  Dey treaten Lois.  Dey fight Superman and smash up city.  Oh, yeah. Did monster forget to mention?  Superman have power back.  How?  Process dat take away his power is irreversable!  His mom SAY it irreversable!  So how he got dem back?!!!  HOW?!!!!

SHHSHHHHSHHHH!

Bad guys use superbreath to blow tings over: cars, people, toupee, ice cream cone, guy in phone booth who keep talking, guy on roller skates.  More nyuk nyuk nyuks.

Superman run away.  Bad guyz follow him back to fortress of saltitude.  Dey bring Lex and Lois wit dem.  Why?  Shhhshhhhshhhh!  Face off.  Den, stoopidest ting in Superman movies so far happen.  Stoopider den all tings dat don’t make sene in dis movie.  Stoopider den Superman fly around de planet to turn back time and undo everyting dat happen at end of first movie.  DIS happen…

Huh?  Since when Superman able to do dat wit S?  Shhhshhhshhh.

Fight!  Bad guyz suddenly have power of teleportashun.  Look like Superman too but only hologramz.  In one of movie many, MANY lame momentz, break in de aktion for Superman to tell Luthor about “lose power” chamber.  Luthor tell bad guyz and dey make Superman go in.  When he come out, he still superstrong but bad guyz power is lost.  He reverse process so dat only person in chamber safe!  At dis point, monster say: “Waaaaait a minute!  When he do process first time, big red light flash and look painful!  But when he do it to bad guyz, no red light and dey not feel a ting!”  Huh?!! Shhhshhhshhhh.  Superman beat dem up and dey fall.  Die?   He save dem?  Who knows?  Who cares?!

Back at Metropolis, Lois sad for some reason.  Clark kiss her and make her forget everyting.  MAKE HER FORGET?!!  Since when does Superman have power to make people forget?!!!  Shhhshhhshhhh!

Den, just to show he not lose all his petty humanity, Superman back to North Pole truck stop and beat up bully.

Dis movie stink worse den Grover gym bag after Jazzercise!  Director of first movie, Richard Donner, leave halfway through and replaced by Richard Lester who suppozedly to blame for stoopid nyuk nyuk humor.  Fans say “Get Richard Donner verzun!  Much better!”.  But monster don’t tink so.  For two reazons…

1. In Donner verzun, bad guyz escape from fantom zone not caused by terroristz bomb but by nooklear bomb at end of first movie.  BUT STILL DON’T MAKE SENSE! What flippy prison doing so close to Earth?  If superman dad, Clorox, sending Superman to Earth, why send bad guyz in same direktion? It make no sense!!!” Shhhshhhshhh.

2. At end of Donner verzun, Superman fix de problem = by using de old “fly around de planet backward and turn back time ” trick.  AGAIN!!!  If Richard Donner get his way, every Superman movie end wit Superman going back in time and undoing everyting!

After watch Superman II, monster so mad he trow movie out window and trash Bert and Ernie frozen yogurt stand.  Den get bill for movie from rental store so trash Mr. Hooper’s old store.  DEN find out dere’s a Superman III and IV and get REALLY mad! But naybors call cops and monster arrested before he do any real damage.

Verdikt: Me want to track down every online reviewer dat recommend dis movie and kick dem in de grapes.

Rating: 1.5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Please diskuss.

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