Superman and the Mole Men
Cookie Monster come down with flu – or maybe bug picked up from Grover jacuzzi party – and not feeling one hunerd persent so sorry if dis review make less sense den movie. Monster very sick. Last night, me toss and turn and have terrible fever dream. Turn out not dream but memories of dis week’s Superfilm of Week: Superman and the Mole-Men.
It start at Silsby “Home of World’s Deepest Oil Well” where company closing down. And trowing away big oversize wrenches like ones Oscar da Grouch use to whack homeless trash divers. After most suspishus glove-taking-off-scene in film history, reporters arrive to question foreman Corrigan. Intro Clark Kent (who look like Phil Silvers) and Lois Lane (who do bad job hiding her alter ego: Super Bitch). Dey find out company drill 32 740 feet …TO CENTER OF THE EARTH! Is world record! (recently broke by BP dat made it all de way to Hell). But now, for reazons not telling, Corrigan shutting down operashuns. Clark Kent wonder: “Why?”. Me wonder: “Who cares?” and if all actors in movie contraktually obligated to wear stupid hats.
When no one looking, two 50 year old tailors from Schenektady New York crawl out of ground. Dey stroll and look around all wowee like first class trip to neighborhood sex shop. But turn out not really tailors. Really…Mole Men! I bet dey get dat all de time.
Clark and Lois come back to oil company. Clark VERY alarmed to find office door slightly open. “Great Scott!”he say. Well, not so great. And not Scott but old guy dead on floor. Clark even more alarmed. Bitchy Lois reprimand him, say no big deal, just old man keel over. BUT sharp-eyed Clark notice oranges on floor. ORANGES ON FLOOR! How dat happen? How sack get dere? CSI dis aint.
Clark call for help. Person on other end of line ask what up? Clark say can’t explain. Not sure why not. Mebbe Clark not a phone person. Me like dat sometime, espeshully when mom call.
Later, Lois left alone in room sees mole men perving on her thru window. She scream and men arrive. Too late to see pervs but not too late to humor hysterical woman Lois who claim: ““Dey had bodies of moles wit great big human heads. “ More accurate deskripshun would be “Dey kids wit bathing caps and furry sweaters.”. Clark wonder “What dey want?”. Monster tink “Old man’s oranges!”. But monster wrong.
Clark say dey have to stay with body until undertaker arrive. Why? He not going anywhere. Finally, everyone else leave. Clark left alone with foreman. He turn and ask: “I guess you know why I hung around, Mr. Corrigan.” Monster tink “Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Clark cruising Corrigan!”. But monster wrong. Again. Movie full of surpirzes like dat!
Anyhoo, Corrigan reveal truth. Mole men come from…center of Earth! Everyting dey touch glow wit radiashun! But no explanashun for why dey wear furry sweaters. Maybe surface world colder dan Morlocktropolis. Monster dunno. Is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside of enigma surrounded by shitty movie shell.
Tings happen. Mole man scared by snake. Mole men play catch wit kid. Lois bitch out Clark. Cookie Monster tink he be better off wit Corrigan after all. Den Superman show up. Nobody in town all dat interested. Cookie Monster neither but have to do review for stupid blog so keep watching.
Mole men end up on dam (for some reason) and, after worst use of spotlight ever by crazed mob, one mole man shot. He fall but Superman catch him and leave other mole man to be chased. For loooooooooooooooong time. But he get away anyway and crawl back into hole what he came from.
At town hospital, Clark arguing with owner who don’t want to serve alien. Nurse also creeped out. But doctor say duckie and Clark assist in operashun. While mob gather outside hospital, more mole men crawl out of hole in ground wit what look like espresso machine. Dey walk down main street and nobody notice except homeless man. And Superman who tell dem: “No one gonna hurt you. No one gonna mean you any harm.” And me tink: No one except…EVERYONE IN TOWN!
Angry townperson tries to shoot dem, but dey shoot first wit espresso machine. It shoot cartoon beam dat make him VERY tried. But Superman step in front and reazon with mole men. Dey sorry. Angry townsperson sorry too. Everyone sorry but nobody more den me dat skipped Big Bird Pimps Up Ho’s Down Party to watch dis crap. Finally, oil well blow up to seal hole back to Moleville. But feel good ending for dis monster because me feel good movie finally end.
Final Verdikt: Boring, terruble VFX, cheez acting – but bonus points for mercy-fully short 58 minute run time.
Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies