Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane be good, old-fashioned fun popcorn movie. Minus fun. And not very good. Or old-fashioned. Also, no popcorn. Still, for movie dat make hardly any sense, it move along at brisk pace. What little story dere is about guy who taking flight from Hawaii to Los Anjelees to testify against mobster. But mobster find easy way to keep him from to testify. He put crateful of crazy poisonous snakes on plane! So simple, Cookie Monster surprised we don’t see dis happen more often. Airport security always checking shoes, but never checking innocent-looking crate of snakes. Something to tink about.

Anyway, halfway through flight door on snake crate blow open. At dis point, Cookie Monster tink “Hey, wait minute. If able to sneak bomb on board for to blow up crate door, why not just sneak bigger bomb on board for to blow up plane?” But Cookie Monster not film producer, so not have answer. Snakes get loose. Lots of people get bited. Some unlucky and die right away. Some lucky (aka – bigger stars) and hang around for a while. Snakes not only angry, but very spiteful. Sometimes bite, sometimes climb into people’s eyes and mouths, sometimes slither by in foreground of shot and wink at camera. People in business class more lucky because no snakes upstairs in deir section, but not so lucky later when riffraff finally reckon dey be better off not flying coach. Figuring dat out easy part. Figuring out how to climb stairs much, much harder. Staircase collapse and everyone fall down onto waiting snakes, making great case for why some people not cut out for first class travel. Luckily, FBI agent Samuel L. Jackson on board and he get in touch with “hardcore” snake expert played by actor who either make decision to play character sleepy-drunk or not bother to learn lines so look like he read dem off back of car headrest. Expert get anti-venom ready. Sam tell everyone to buckle up, den shoot out window. Plane decompress and snakes all sucked out (and presoomably land on unlucky picnickers and sunbathers). Sammy J. land plane. Phew! Nightmare over. Or is it? No because now dey make Snakes on a Train.