Hero At Large

Kwestion #1: When is superhero movie NOT superhero movie?

Answer #1: When hero in movie NOT have any superpowers.

Kwestion #2: So why monster watching dis movie?

Answer #2: Becuz somebody (ie Joe) tell him to watch for Supermovie of de Week Club.

Kwestion #3: What de deal with Bert Convy hair?

Answer #3: No answer to dat one.

WTF (What Da Fro)?!!!

Boy, me not happy after watching superhero movie wit no aktual superhero.  Not been dis disappointed since Striptease (too much tease and not enuf strip for dis monster).  Anyway, Hero At Large does best it can wit not much.  Like in most superhero stories, start off wit sad sack pathetic loser charakter so can show contrast wit him later as spektacular hero.  Qwick!  What profeshun most pathetic and loseriest? Coin counter at laundromat? Nope, more pathetic.  High school band brass instrument spit valve cleaner?  Nope, more loseriest.  Struggling aktor?  Bingo!

Walmart already have more den enuff greeters. Why not try akting?

Our progato potago protagonuss lead guy is out of work aktor who have to take job dressing up like charakter from superhero movie (that aktually look like a superhero movie) called Captain Avenger.  He show up at theater where he sign autograffs and get ridikuled.  At one point, gets so bad dat even Kevin Bacon make fun of him.  Kevin Bacon!

Pre-Bacon crowd notoriusly eazier.

Turn out he just one of mebbe 50 out of work aktors dat dress up like Captain Avenger and do signings.  Dey get bussed around.  Bus ride scene deliver film best out of contekst line from other Captain Avenger: “I screamed.  I’m not tuff.  Not in de ass!”.

All aboard da Loser Express!

But our lead guy in luck.  On way home, he stop off at convenients store and it get robbed.  He jump out in his Captain Avenger costume and save de dey, chasing away bad guys (who mebbe nekst time remember what Gonzo always say: “Never bring a knife to a gun robbery”).

To tell you de truth, monster would run from him too.

Suddenly, Captain Avenger all over de newz.  Our guy famous!  He start to hit on girl who live in same apartment building.  She played by Anne Archer who try her best to look sexy wit 1980′s hairstyle.  She say no, not interested.  He persistent, don’t take no for answer, and show up at her place of work.  Nowadays, dis behavior cause legal problems (like for Count who do 6 munths community service and have to write letter of apology to Bette Midler), but 30 years ago a-okay and, in fakt, work out great becuz soon dey are dating!

Awww. How creepy romantic.

He stop more bad guyz.  Soon, whole city have Captain Avenger fever!

Everybody revere his shiny orange spandex butt.

Office of Mayor say he good for re-elektion campane, find him and say he have to keep being hero.  Dey stage subway robbery and he save de day.  At dis point, monster have trouble wit suspenshun of disbelief.  If robber try to rob me on subway and he down on ground, monster jump in for payback, maybe stomp on robber head or get in monster patented grape shot, but nobody do anyting.  Hard to believe.  😦

But den, at big press conferunce, robber reveal as aktor.  Just like Captain Avenger.  Crowd angry.  Boo Captain Avenger!

Boo! Boo! Your shiny orange spandex butt no longer revered!

Pimp try to ruff him up!  All seem lost…

But den a wunderful ting happen.  Apartment building on fire! Families lose everyting!  Kid in danger of burning alive!  So lucky!  Firemen on de scene decide to call it a night (Dunno.  Mebbe fire TOO hot.) but Captain Avenger arrive on scene.

He trow kid to safety.  He on ledge, ready to jump.  Den – exploshun! Captain Avenger gone!  Where he go?!  Bystanderz do irresponusble ting and go into creaky burning apartment building.  Save him and prove dat everyone can be not speshul, just like Captian Avenger, if dey just try hard enuff.

Da end.

Verdikt: Dis not a superhero.  Is a movie disguized as superhero movie. So meta!

Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Please diskuss!

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