Condorman

After terruble Superman films, Condorman a nice change of pace.  Not so much terruble as trooly horruble.  It be movie made for kidz – at a time when kidz not know any better (ie. dat kidz movies could aktually be good).  Also, monster would like to file formal complaint becuz dis not superhero movie. Again!  It more like Slovakian James Bond film.

Our hero, Woody, be comic book writer (hate him alreddy!) who invent superhero: Condorman.  Like most writerz, he like to dress up and akt like charakter from his own book.  Just like George R. R. Martin when he dekapitate all dose homeless men after write Game of Drones. Monster not sure if Woody crazy, stupid, or both, but he know one ting for sure – he damn annoying!  Michael Crawford play part of Woody wit all restrained finesse of mouseketeer mainlining Red Bull.  He like stage aktor hamming it up for de cheap seats!  Should mebbe consider career in theater.

So, when we first meet Woody, he decide to jump off Eiffel Tower in Condorman suit and fly.  But wardrobe malfunktion make him crash into Seine (which, by de way, mean “boob” in French. True.  Me look it up!).  Lucky for him he slowed down by wires holding him up.

Woody be friends with CIA agent who ask him to make sekret dokument exchange wit Russian spy.  Huh?  Becuz Russia demand exchange to be made using civilians.  HUH?  And CIA have to use civilian instead of spy pretending to be civilian becuz…HUH??!!!

Woody meet up wit sexy Russian spy, Natalia.  Vavavavoom!  Monster not kick her out of bed for eating chocolate chippee cookies.  Unless she not share wit monster in which case he kick her out.  Den invite her back when he finished.  Anyway, Woody meet up wit sexy Russian, Natalia. He introduce himself = codename Condorman.  Bad guyz show up.  He beats dem up…somehow.  He good, lucky or both?  Me not sure, but monster know one ting: he still damn annoying!

Spies like dem!

Woody go back to life as loozer.  Den get call from CIA.  Natalia want to defekt.  But only will defekt wit help of Condorman.  Monster know what dat like.  Once, after have Grand Slam breakfast at Dennys, monster not defekt for tree day!  Have to call Elmo to help.  He have to use box of Qtips and entire bottle of linseed oil!

For some reazon, bad guyz don’t want her to defekt.  Dey try to stop Woody!

Head bad guy look like he defekting. Udder times, look like he regret losing bet dat force him to be in dis movie.

Like most one-eyed people, he looze de good eye and left wit evil eye. Becuz of eye imbalance, brain shift to pure evil.

Shootoout!  Car chase – which, monster have to admit, not dat bad. Stuntz!  Crashes!  Monster notice dis “kid-friendly” film shot at a time when a-okay to kill off bad guyz.  Dey crash, get blown up, fall off cliff – and iz all good fun!

Ha! Take dat bad guy! And, uh, wife and children you leave behind.

Condorman able to escape becuz his old truck really disguized condorman car wit floaty wings.  How he get all dese gadjets?  Why, CIA gave to him!  American government waste money to build speshul yellow condor cars and condor sootz for civilian fake spies!  Dats why ekonomy in da toilet!  Dats why Cookie’s 401k almost worthless and me have to sign up to be  tester for ass fur exfoliator at research lab! Don’t get monster started!

Dey get away to Italy.  Crash wedding!

Okay, monster admit he like dis church brawl scene. Mebbe becuz it bring back so many good memories.

Den check into hotel.  English-speaking “Italian” kids rekognize Natalia as inspirashun for comik book charakter Laser Lady!  Sexy Russian spy tink Woody cool.  I repeat: sexy girl tink guy who write comic book cool!  Okay, monster accept fakt dat CIA send civilian wit no training on important misshun.  Cookie accept fakt dat CIA pay for all gadjets for misshun.  But dis a bit of a stretch, no?

Why you Italian kids speak so good English?

Bad guyz kidnap Natalia.  Woody and his CIA friend disguize demself as sheiks and crash party.

Next to Grover’s Han Solo outfit, dis second lamest Halloween costume.

CIA buddy set off exploziuns.  How he possibly can hide bombs under his sheik suit?  Never mind dat.  Woody have a little surprize for Natalia hiding under HIS robe…

Tadaa!

Dat’s right!  Condorman soot.  Natalia jump on and he giver her ride of her life.

Dey get away.  CIA buddy forgets to put car brake on and car roll into lake.  For some reazon.  Boat chase!  Lasers!  More bad guyz crash, burn, blow up!

Woody save Natalia.  Dey go back to Amerika.  Go to Dodgers game. CIA offer Condorman new assinement! Leave door open for crummy sekwel.

Monster have no problem defekting after dis movie!

Verdikt: So far, udder moviez monster have reviewed for supermovie of de week club aim high and fail mizerably.  Condorman aim very low and fail even miserablier!  Action sekwences and Barbara Carrera very watchable, but rest of movie like watching drunk high school understudy produktion of Ian Fleming’s lesser known works. Condorman is for de birdz (me was also tinking about going wit equally witty: “Condorman never takes off”, “Condorman crashes” or “Condorman takes giant dump on dis viewer’s head”).

Also, NOT A SUPERHERO MOVIE!

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

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