Spiderman 2

Spiderman 2 be most disappointing sekwel since Grover’s little brother, Mervin, born. Unlike first solid outing, dis foray into web-slinging adventure be peppered wit WTF (What de Fudgee-o) moments and cheesy dialogue.  First movie skirted line between serious and fun, but dis movie veer into stupid-silly territory, at times reminding monster of Richard Lester Superman.  Anyone who say Spiderman 2 is better movie dan original Spiderman need to have deir head examined (becuz monster will headbutt him/her first opportunity me get).

Movie open wit fun sekwence of Spiderman swinging across city to deliver pizzas – but capped off wit painfully extended sekwence of Peter trying to push falling brooms back into a closet.  Dis sadly foreshadow more nyuk-nyuks to come.

Peter late for delivery, get fired, and go back home where – Aunt May, MJ, and Harry surprise him.   It be his birthday.  But he forget.  Seriously.  Who forget deir own birthday?  Sadness continue for Peter when he go back to his apartment and he haranged by landlord for rent – while landlord’s daughter makes googly eyes at him wit her googly eyes.  Peter try to make it to MJ’s play but he too late after foiling robbery and misses show.

Dr. Octoplotz – Why his spine not snap under weight of his mechanical arms?

Meanwhile, scientist experimenting wit cold fuzion and mechanical arms have experiment go awry.  Everyting made of metal (except his mechanical arms and his wife’s earrings) sucked into magnetized field.  Wife killed and he injured.  Mechanical arms fused to his spine and, in great horrific operating scene, he kill surgeons trying to remove dem and go on rampage.

Spiderman try to stop him and Aunt May get caught in de middle, giving rise to another silly sekwence where Dr. Octoplotz use her as hostage and she respond by hitting him wit her umbrella.  Spiderman manage to save her even tho he mysteriously run out of web fluid.  What up wit dat?

MJ. Stand for Mean Jezebel.

Meanwhile, MJ admit she love Peter.  And she prove how much she love him by deciding to marry J. Jonah Jameson son (?).

But MJ least of Peter’s problems.  He also notice he having trouble wit his wall crawling ability.  He go see doctor who tell him it be mental, dat he have “a choice”. So much for subtle psychological portrait of our hero’s dilemma.  And, just in case, it not obvious enuf, we cut to heavenly conversation where Uncle Ben tell him dat IT BE MENTAL, DAT HE HAVE A CHOICE!

Peter decide he not want to be Spiderman anymore and trow his costume away in de trash.  Costume found by guy who, for some reazon, believe it belong to de real Spiderman who must have quit his job (last night, monster find six rolls of gauze, loose sparkles and bag of chicken feathers in dumpster so automatically assumed Lady Gaga retired).  Dis become headline news!  Spiderman Quit!

While all dis going on, Peter’s best friend Harry wanting revenge on Spiderman for killing his dad, Norman (Green Goblin).  He tell crazy Dr. Octopolotz dat his buddy Peter may know where Spiderman be.  As Dr. Octoplotz head off to track him down, Harry call out: “Don’t hurt Peter!”.  Nononono.  Of course not.  Why you tink dis crazed homocidal lunatik will hurt Peter just becuz you tell him he be key to finding Spiderman?

Back at Peter’s apartment, we treated to completely useless scene where landlord’s daughter treat him to milk and chocolate cake.  Seriously.  What dis have to do wit anyting?  Why landlord’s daughter even in dis movie?

Aunt May. A little light in de neurons.

Dis followed up by so-weird-it-almost-feel-like-a-dream-sekwence speech by Aunt May in which she go on and on and on (and on) about de importance of being a hero.  Why she telling Peter dis?  Well, only one of two possible reazons: a) She know he really Spiderman b) She going senile.

Later, Peter decide to check if his webshooting abilities back.  How he do dis?  By trying to spin a web?  No, of course not.  By trowing himself off de top of a building. Unfortunately for him, webshooters still not working and he almost killed in fall.  On one hand, he look like a complete idiot and almost die.  On de other hand, scene is good for a few nyuk-nyuks.

Peter steal back his costume and, again as Spiderman, cross paths with Dr. Octoplotz.  Spidey save runaway train before it can ride off trail track dat mysteriously end in insane drop over city (dis gag was funnier in Blues Brothers, mainly becuz dat movie WAS a comedy).  He collapse but, in super cheeserific maudlin scene, he borne aloft by passengers who stand up for him when Dr. Octoplotz come back.

Hold still. Dis may sting. Me hope.

He deliver Spiderman to Harry who unmask to reveal: his BFF Peter!  Peter convince Harry to tell him where Dr. Octoplotz hiding.

Doc kidnap MJ and bring her back to his waterfront lab.  Spiderman show up as Octoplotz create new experimental reactor.  Dey fight!  For reazons known only to film’s writer, Spiderman reveal his true identity to lunatik supervillain and ask him nicely for help.  Dat seem to work and Dr. Octoplotz save New York by dumping reactor in east river.  Easy as dat.

Peter reveal his sekret identity to MJ and tell her dat he love her but dey can never be together.  MJ wait until her wedding day before abandoning her husband-to-be at de altar and running away, smiling, in her wedding dress.  What a bitch.

Harry, meanwhile, diskover his dad’s sekret lab – and identity!  Dis skillfully set up Spiderman 3.

Or maybe not.

Verdikt: CG shots of Spiderman swinging thru city be almost Hulk level quality but other sekwences pretty good.  Villain, Dr. Octoplotz, be more visually spectakular, but he a far less interesting charakter dan Norman Osborne/Green Goblin.  Why he do what he do?  Just becuz he crazy?  What de point of landlord’s daughter charakter?  De chocolate cake scene?  Still, some great action sewkwences and J. Jonah Jameson be terrific in all his scenes.

Rating: 6 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Today’s blog entry be dedikated to birthday boy, gforce.

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